When You Wish Upon a Star

Hello! It's me! :-)

I don't have much time to write this morning, but this is something short and sweet that I just felt I had to share.

November 16, 2002 - 5:30 a.m.

The phone rang. Since i was asleep, i didn't make it to the phone, but when i checked the caller ID, and it was my dad, my heart sank. I just knew that my grandfather or someone close had passed away. There was no way I could prepare myself for the words that would come out of his mouth when I called him back.

"Melissa. Jeremy died." I literally told him to hang up, and call me back later when I was awake. It couldn't be true. Jeremy? OUR Jeremy? This isn't possible. I got to his apartment as fast as I could. That was the longest 4 mile drive of my life. I swear it took 6 hours. Didn't it?

The rest of the story is really too painful to talk about - but every year, at this time, I remember him, and am overcome with sadness. I suppose it'll never get easier.

The day before he passed away, he called and left a message on my answering machine. It was the last time I would hear his voice. I have it saved - and I can't remember what all it said, except for him being funny, and then at the end, he said "I love you." I can't tell you how grateful I am that those were his last words to me.

---
November 16, 2009, 6:30 am

I was on my way to work, having a long talk with God. I began to pray for mom and dad as they remember Jeremy today too. I kid you not - at the very moment I began to pray for them, and I mentioned Jeremy's name - I saw a falling star. The tears began to flow, and I was just speechless.

When I first began praying - i asked the Lord to forgive me for Him not being the focus in my life, as He should be. When I saw the falling star, it was just like the Lord telling me a whole bunch of things...

"I forgive you."

"Everything will be ok."

"Jeremy is safe in my arms."

I have a couple of very crazy weeks ahead of me, and after my long talk this morning, I feel like I can handle it. I feel like everything's going to be ok.

Thank you Lord for showing me you're there for me.

There is Hope!

John and I had our follow up visit yesterday with Dr. A. I had been praying about this visit, and when we went in, I really had a peace about everything. Didn't know why, but I did. (Well, I know that God gave me that peace.) I had been praying about it so that I would be prepared for anything he had to say.

Dr. A told me that everything looks perfect, and is functioning correctly, other than the fact that the sperm seem to be going to the dance alone. My eggs aren't showing up. :-) hehe. we thought that was cute. He presented a treatment option to us (150 mg Clomid + another med that surpresses the male hormones that apparently are keeping me from ovulating - I knew I was feeling strong lately!) Then I could go through another series of ultrasounds, but the cost would be $950. If it didn't work, it would be $950 for each cycle until I got pregnant. or until we moved to another method of treatment, where the cost escalates dramatically. I was a little crushed, because there's no way we can afford that. They want the payment all at once.

I asked them about John's insurance, because I will be solely on his in January. She said she would try, but generally, insurances don't cover fertility treatments at all. She said she was going to go try and find something out.

While she was gone, John and I discussed a few other things, and when she came back in, she had a big smile on her face. She said "um. I have very good news. Your insurance covers three IUIs and three IVFs!!"

Thank. You. Lord.

That's amazing. Less than 15% of insurances cover those treatments, much less cover IN FULL. That's 6 whole months of treatment covered, and Dr. A just looked at me and said "I think it's only gonna take one - two treatments at the most IF you aren't pregnant by the time you come back in January. "

WOO HOO!! He also said "Now, Melissa. You CAN ovulate on your own, and I'll tell you how, but you can't hit me."

"I'm listening."

"You need to lose about 5% of your body mass, and it will start happening again on it's own."

--
So, my friends, I already know the reason why things have worked out the way they have. I have the next 3 1/2 months to work on getting my weight down to where it's supposed to be (my height and age indicate I should be between 125-135, and I'm at 146 now. Was at 153 when I started!!), and just prepare myself for what could come in 2010! Maybe, just maybe, if I get the weight off, i'll start having my monthly visitor on a regular basis, and not have to induce her medically. Dr. A. prescribed me Provera, but wants me to wait two months before taking it.

Our plans for the next few months are to just enjoy each other as a couple, with no stress about babies, but if it happens, we'll be thrilled.

Woo Hoo! Thank you Lord for answered prayers!

Opening the Door into the Infertility World

My name is Melissa, and I'm infertile.

Hope is not lost at this point, but disappointment has set in.

I do love the New Living Translation version of Psalm 130:5.

I am counting on the Lord; Yes, I am counting on Him.
I have put my hope in His Word.

This is all we can do at this point. Trust in the Lord. His way is perfect.

Please do not be offended, but while encouragement is appreciated, the last words i want to hear right now, are:

"If it's meant to be, God will give you a baby when it's the right time." (or any variation on that) While true, that's not very comforting to me right now. Yes, I know that God will give me a baby when "the time is right," but those words are not going to make me feel better right now. They are not going to take away my desire to have a little one.

---

I do not want to post details of this week's Doctor visit yet. I want to wait until we sit down with Dr. A next week and actually hear what our options are. All I can ask of you right now is to pray for us. Pray for the right treatment plan, and for us to be wise in the decisions we make as to how far into this journey we want to venture.

I have made some lifestyle changes in hopes of getting in front of the PCOS (lost 5 lbs already!), and maybe... just maybe... I can convince my body to do normal girly things without a lot of intervention.

Our next scheduled appointment is Wednesday - 09.09.09 :-)

--

The good news? I put the deposit down on our Destin, FL Condo yesterday! It's OFFICIAL! We're goin! Woo Hoo!!

The First Visit

Well,


I've got the baby fever now, and I have it bad. I'm slowly but surely coming out of the "funk", and the baby fever is almost full on. :-)


I decided that with the two crappy ObGYN visits I've had already this year, I would just take the advice a friend gave me several years ago, and just skip straight to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I kept seeing signs telling me to go there. Well, so maybe it was the actual sign on the side of the building that I pass going to and from work every single day, but it's still a sign, right?

I visited their website, and after digging through, wondering if I should do it or not, I used the little "contact us" link, and sent them an email. 2 hours later, I received a phone call. Not only did I get a phone call from the office, but the Doctor himself. Yes. That's right. THE ACTUAL DOCTOR CALLED ME. Huge plus in my book. When I called back, i got the lady he had mentioned in my voicemail, and it was like she knew me already. He had given her the information from my email, and she was expecting my phone call.

We set up the appointment. August 12. (ironic, seeing as how this would have been my 9th wedding anniversary with my first husband..) We entered the office, and immediately, i was relaxed. They were friendly, and they didn't treat me like I got treated at this OB visit.

I turned in my what seemed like 500 forms I had to fill out before coming in, and then they took mine and John's picture together to put in the records. They said "Y'all are in this together, so we treat you as one." again. i like this.

We got called back to this little open area that had sperm all over the floor, and I wondered to myself if the sperm were leading to the little dark rooms in the back for a reason. :-) I would later find out they were. hehe That's a part of the office I don't care to go into. Don't wanna know what all's back there!

Then the Doctor came out, and called us in his office. He had already read through my paperwork, so he began just asking me questions. He was very thorough. He even asked me if some of my family members were bald. He knew he was asking me strange questions, but he said this was to try and get as much of a hormone background as he could. He then gave us a power point presentation with some statistics, and other interesting information. Did you know that one in three infertile couples is due to the male? That seemed like a pretty high number to me. I had no idea! I also didn't know that in 100 pregnancies, only 30 will actually make it to live healthy birth. The percentage of people who are pregnant and miscarry without even knowing it is huge! Anyways - I asked him about PCOS, and he really didn't seem to be phased by it at all. He told me there was no cure for it, and (another statistic here) 90% .. 90% of women have PCOS. Most are just asymptomatic. I wish I was one of those!

After the visit, we went into another room where I had my vajayjay probed by the ultrasound mechanism. I hardly noticed though, because I was intrigued by the fact that they actually thought of putting a monitor on the ceiling so that when you're lying on your back with your legs spread open for the whole world to see, you can see what the doctor's looking at. Doesn't mean I could tell what I was looking at. Just a bunch of gray matter, and every-once-in-a-while, I could see one little round thing, and apparently one was a cyst, and one was an ovary. :-/

That was my exam. The doctor is working with me to make this as affordable as possible, since they don't take my primary insurance and I'm self pay. $$$$$ (they accept my secondary, but they won't file on it. I'll be switching over in January. Thank goodness. :-) ) - this means I'll be going to my regular Doctor to get my blood work drawn, and then just have the results sent over. John, however, got to have his blood drawn, because UH is his primary. Apparently, for some infertility treatments, it's required by law for both partners to be tested for HIV, Hepatitis, and other diseases.

So... Here's the plan. Summarized.

I started taking Provera, since I haven't had a period since April.
On CD1, I call the doctor, and we set up a schedule for the following:
- Days 5-9 take Clomid (bring on the hot flashes, baby!)
- somewhere in Days 9-11, have another ultrasound to see the status of my system.
- Around days 11-13, start an antibiotic, and have an x-ray procedure done to make sure my tubes aren't blocked.

Next week, John gets to bring a cup full of his "goodies" to the office for his Sperm Analysis. For the record - we chose to do this at home, rather than follow the sperm on the floor to one of the little back rooms. :-) We just have to get it to the office fairly quickly. It is precious cargo, you know! Thank goodness we live about 3 miles from the office!

Once all that's done, then we sit down, and talk about all the results, and what the next plan of action is.

I'm excited, and nervous all at the same time. I feel like we've officially started. I've read so many blogs with these same type stories on them, and now I are one of them blogs!

John and I have already had long discussions about how far into this we want to go, and already talked about the possibility of adoption if it comes to that. For now, we are going to take this one step at a time, and see what God's will for us is.

I ask that if you made it this far, reading this long blog, that you take a moment and pray for John and I as we prepare to take some pretty big steps to help make our family grow. We both want this really bad, and already many tears have been shed from the disappointments we've already had.

I will keep the blog updated as much as I can with updates.

*DING*... You are now off track…

Just a forewarning: This is not a fun, happy post. This is a post about what I’m feeling right now, and have been feeling for a while… If you are bored to tears, or this post brings up any other emotions, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. For others, it may just be affirmation that someone else out there is going through the same struggles. Oh, and it’s long.

Movin’ on now.

I laid down in bed the other night, and John was in the shower. It was pitch black, and quiet, except for the sound of the fan in the bedroom, and the running water in the bathroom. I had just barely dozed when I hear *DING* “You are now off track.” Huh? My first reaction was to jump outta bed with the .45 and shoot whoever just entered my apartment run and hide in the closet.

It was one of those times when a thousand things can run through your head in a time that feels like forever. But, it didn’t take me but a minute to realize that the silly little female animated voice was John’s phone that must be possessed. It was sitting on the dining table, and just kicked itself into GPS mode. I’m not sure where it thought I was going, but something has been ringing in my head since that night.

Maybe it wasn’t the silly phone being weird, yelling out that I’m not headed in the right direction. Maybe it was a subtle (ok, maybe not so subtle) message from God telling me I’m not headed in the right direction in my life. Funny thing is that I feel I’ve been running in circles for a while now, and can’t seem to get to where I want to be. I have so many good intentions, but no motivation.

I suppose you can say I’ve been in a bit of a pity party for myself for a little while now. I’ve had some health issues that have been buggin’ the fire out of me. Something is going on that makes me absolutely so tired that I can barely hold my eyes open a lot of the time. John and I were in a raid on WoW the other night, and I actually fell asleep in the middle. For those of you WoW players, you know that raids are intense, and there’s so much going on, you don’t have much time to think about anything else. Yeah. Out. Right in the middle of it.

My attitude has been down right sucky lately – my poor husband catching a lot of it. I thank God I have such a patient man. I know I’m not the easiest person to live with sometimes. I don’t want to do anything around the house, and we’ve eaten out so much, because I don’t have the energy to cook. To cook, you have to have food. To have food, you must go to the grocery store. To go to the grocery store, you have to have motivation. To have motivation, you have to have energy. Oh. That’s the problem.

Of course the lack of energy leads to laziness, which leads to…you guessed it! Weight gain. Weight gain = severe self esteem issues. I’m supposed to be on synthroid, but I’m too lazy to take it. I know that if I were to take it – I would probably feel somewhat better. I’ve been injecting myself with triple the dose of B12 just to be able to function throughout the day. Sometimes, that works a little. (yes, it’s ok. It’s a water soluble vitamin. Not gonna hurt me.)

I’ve been to the doctor, but nothing’s coming up right now. I do know that I’ve had some sort of a bladder/kidney infection since about November of last year – and the doctors can’t seem to get rid of that either. Which leads me to another issue. I don’t like to leave the house, since every trip to the bathroom is an emergency. I have to plan everything around places that have restrooms. I’ve had one – yes ONE monthly cycle since January. And that one was medically induced. I want a baby. Yes, I know I’ve only been married 9 months – but remember – I was married for 7 years before that with the same issues.

I’m just frustrated with a lot lately – I’m frustrated that the nights I actually do something, and I’m not home, John gets off of work on time. Then, the nights that I’m home waiting for him to get there, he gets off at 9:30. I wish he had a job that he could be home on the weekends. If my family was closer, it may not seem so bad, but it’s an act of congress to get a day off from Time Warner on a weekend if we want to do anything. And we all know what Congress is like now.

My biggest issue right now though is my self esteem. It’s so in the dumps right now. I know I’m not fat, but I’m well over the weight I need to be . I can’t wear half the clothes in my closet, and I don’t have the money to buy anything else (a large chunk of my paycheck goes to my ex each month). The ones I have – I wear the tale off of. They are faded, have holes in them, or are just about to fall apart in general. Shopping depresses me because I’m a hard body to fit. My chest is quite a bit larger than most people my size, so in order to fit that, the clothes swallow me everywhere else. If they fit decent through the waist, then I can’t zip it all the way up. I found the perfect dress for my wedding day, but couldn’t zip it past my chest. Grrr.. My face is broken out like a 14 year old kid. Nothing in this world hides what is going on there. I’ve tried all sorts of different products – but I think the hormones are completely overriding any product I buy. I look at pictures of me recently, and I barely recognize the girl I see. My eyes almost shut, and I seem to get all stiff when a camera is in front of me. I think that's the self esteeem part coming out.

Bleh.

Yeah, there’s a lot more, but I suppose I’ll stop. If you’ve made it this far, wow. Thanks for stickin by me.

I'll get better. I'm just in a lull right now, and will get out eventually. Prayers are appreciated. :-)

Friday Flashback

Do you know what it's time for?

Didt Didt Didtldidt Didt Didt Didldidt didt didt didldidt didt deeeet!!!

(cue Cotton Eyed Joe)

HIK NOOZ!!!

Well, i'm sure only those that went to SLC, and know what Hik Nooz was are the only ones who can say "Didt Didt Didledidt"... hehe Can you believe how crazy we went when brothers "Brian" and "K-Brian" hit the show with Cuz Hurl? wow...

We all know that FBC Buna was famous on Hik Nooz... We made it on the show every year. Or I did, at least.

Hmmm... I got my name monkey girl, because they got told about me hanging from streamers in Taco Bell making monkey noises.... They made me do my monkey sounds in front of the whole camp, and then they pulled out their "guns" and pointed them at me... HA!

The next year - I made it because of this story:

I was having a conversation with someone about my new hair dryer I was so proud of..(yeah, i know..) I was talking about how powerful it was when I turned it on and POP!!! Fire came out of the plug, and it knocked the lights out in the whole dorm!! oops.

The next day, on Hik Nooz, Brian and K-Brian came out with hairdryers, dancing around to the music from "Mission Impossible." And then they told me story... thankfully, once people found out who was responsible for knockin the lights out, they didn't do the same to me. :-)

Oh, how I miss Student Life Camp! Those were the days!!

Here's me today, sporting myHik Nooz shirt...(Why did I buy such a huge shirt? It swallows me now, and I'm 50lbs heavier than I was then!)

Friday Flashback

Well, I'm sure you all notice one common denominator in each of these pictures. Yep - one of my dearest friends, Mitch Keeler!

Mitch and I go way back - farther than anyone in my entire life. We have been singing together for years, have some umm..Children's Church memories, mistletoe memories, GA party memories, we went to 8th grade prom together, Many plays - Buna Children's Theater, learning the "real words" to the Cotton Eyed Joe, The night I proposed to him in a Wendy's in Baytown, where he turned me down, and some of our favorite memories together are from our Drum Major times... I still believe we were two of the best drum majors that went through! If you look at any picture of us in action on the field, we are in the same exact position... To this day, we sing together when we can...

Here we are leading worship this past Christmas:


The reason my post is about Mitch, is because he is taking the plunge this weekend, and I'm so happy! He met a beautiful girl by the name of Jamie while he was in Austin, and it was all up from there! I'm honored to be singing "But Beautiful" for the Bride and Groom's first dance.

Mitch,

We've been through a lot together, and I'm so thrilled that God has sent you that someone special. I pray that you have a very happy marriage with kids that can sing and act (hehe). :-) At my [first] wedding, you gave Scott some advice, which thankfully, he never followed - but my advice for Jamie -

If Mitch makes you mad - Stand under a bundle of mistletoe, call his name, and when he comes to kiss you - RUN!! :-) (or throw a party at his house that he's not allowed to attend, just to watch him kick his legs and scream.)

- and that's all for pouring sprite on my head because i wouldn't sit by you.

Love ya Mitch!!

CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF YOU!

Happy Birthday Troy

You are greatly missed, but I know you're celebrating in Heaven! Tell Jeremy to make you a big cake! :-) Maybe his baking skills are better in Heaven than they were here!

Update on mom...

Today has been absolutely crazy, but I've finally made a decision on what I'm going to do. I will be leaving San Antonio in the morning about 4:30 am to be in Beaumont for the 9:45 am visitation to see mom. I'm praying that my grandmother will let me have some "mom time", and let me go back by myself...

I got to talk to mom a couple of times today, which is why I'm not already there. This morning, I called the ICU nurses station, and the lady of course couldn't tell me anything, because I didn't have the "password". bleh. All she could tell me was that she had been changed to "Stable Condition" from critical.

I wasn't mad, because I know there are rules, they have to follow them. About 20 minutes later, though, my cell phone started ringing with an unfamiliar number, but i went ahead and answered it.

....Melissa?

....Yes Ma'am?

....This is _____ from St. Elizabeth hospital. One second, here's your mom.

The sweet nurse at the nurse's station had taken my number down earlier, and she used her personal cell phone to call me, and then handed the phone to mom. WOW! that meant so much to me.

Mom sounded ok when I talked to her. She had already gone down for her scope, and boy was there bleeding. She said the pictures of her insides were horrifying. (Lesson learned? Let's hope so...) She was still waiting on the doc to come in and give her the official results, but she could see with her own eyes something was not good.

Later this afternoon, i called the waiting room a couple of times, in hopes of catching Totsie or Aunt Tammy, but they had been allowed to stay back with mom for more than the allotted 15 minutes, so I missed them. I decided to call the nurses' station again. This time i got another sweet lady, who, after I gave her the password, told me that she would take a phone into mom's room, and let her call me. 5 minutes later, my phone was ringing again!

I told mom of my plans to come, and she told me not to come, because she would be worried about me driving that distance by myself, but little does she know I will be walking through her door in the morning! :-)

She had found out that she has a pretty bad bleeding ulcer, and they are giving her some meds to try and heal that. She's been told to never put another aspirin in her mouth. ever. She's craving them right now, so her they are giving her a little more xanax to curb those cravings...aka: knock her out. :-) It's a possibility she may get to come home tomorrow, but she was recieving several more units of blood as we were speaking. She was also severely dehydrated, so she's recieving lots of fluids as well.

Some of my details in my earlier post were incorrect - such as - Mom didn't call Totsie (makes more sense). Totsie just happened to call her. Thanks goodness. Mom's blood volume was so low, it could have been fatal.

I told some people mom had recieved 5 units of blood last night, but she had only received 3. I think by now, she has gotten at least 5.

Mom didn't get into her ICU room until between 6-8 this morning, after having been in the ER since yesterday morning/afternoon. I think they even did the scope before she got to her room!

Anyways - all this to say - she is doing much better, but I'm still going. I won't really be able to report from there, because I won't have internet access. I'll be sitting in the ICU waiting room most of the day, I'm sure, unless she gets to go home. Then I'll take her home.

Thanks oodles and oodles to Aunt Tammy and Totsie for being there with mom. They stayed at the hospital till around 4 this morning, waiting on her to be transferred into a room, and then were back before 10, and are still there. Tammy is going to have some much needed "Tammy Time" tomorrow, and I'm glad for that. She needs it. She deserves it. She has kept me informed every step of the way - and kept me sane! Love you!

---

Wanna know what else?

My Aunt (dad's sister, L.) was admitted into the hospital today. She had some medication reactions that were sever enough to be taken to the hospital by Ambulance.

Prayers for L & J, and their three boys are appreciated as well!

Again, pray for safe travels, and that everyone is ok....

Knock Knock!

Um... Lord?

I know you say you won't give us more than we can handle, but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed here! You know that we are barely past Totsie's surgery, and all the cancer, and Troy's death... and already something else? *selfish statement ahead* I'm tired Lord! Exhausted! and so is my family... I'm begging you - please give us a break.

So, my mom woke up yesterday morning, apparently very disoriented, dizzy, out of it.... She somehow managed to call my grandmother, who I think called my aunt, who went straight to mom's. At some point, EMS and the cops were called out, because the house was locked, and mom couldn't get to the door to unlock it. Aunt Tammy ended up being able to jimmy the lock on her storm door, and got in to her.

EMS arrived, and mom had a very low pulse, and a blood pressure so low that the EMTs couldn't get a reading with the BP cuff. They took her to the ER at St. Elizabeth where they found that her hemoglobin levels (blood levels) were at 5.5. Um. Normal is between 12 and 18. Doctors normally do blood tranfusions when levels get to 8. Turns out she has Aspirin Toxicity. She took too many aspirins trying to ward off a toothache. (there's more to this story i don't care to explain, so if it seems incomplete, well...it is.)

She was going to be admitted to ICU last night, but as of 11:15ish when Aunt T called me, they were still waiting. They are going to do a scope this morning, to see if they can find where the bleeding is coming from, so they can stop it. (I just called the ICU, and she's downstairs for testing, so i wasn't able to get any information).

I really really need to be over there - but I have a few things standing in my way -

- I'm in the middle of a HUGE project, and my boss, who is the one who's been working with me on this - is on vacation. (the whole copy machine install...)
- I've made several trips back to East Texas this past month for hospitals, and doctors, and funeral, so I've already missed quite a bit of work.
- My car's timing belt still hasn't been changed, and it's 13,000 miles overdue. The transmission fluid is low, and i just don't trust it to take it that far by myself.
- My driver's license expired last month, so I can't even rent a car.

I also just got a call from John, and he's not able to take off to come with me, so it looks as if I'll be travelling alone. John's cousin has offered to trade cars with me for the weekend, so thank goodness for him! Thanks B!

ok - i must cut this short so that I can tie up my loose ends here at work and get on the road this afternoon.

Did i mention that I have a very hard time staying awake lately? Please be in prayer for safe, awake travels.

Friday Flashback

I was drum major my Junior and Senior years of high school, and back then, it was sortof a tradition for the new drum major to have some kind of band party. (Oh yeah, pardon the band nerdiness of this post...)

My first one was at my house - nothing special, but a lot of people were there. So...the next year, We got to have it out at my grandparent's camp on the Sabine River...gosh how I miss that place... The water was a little low, so there were logs and such everywhere, making it less than ideal for swimming. So we opted for seeing how many people we could get on one log before it broke...The result?


On this log:
Kevin Burton, Daniel Hawk, Mandy Bonner, Shalanda Girlinghouse, Jessica Colling (Wow...her married name is so stuck in my head, I can't remember her maiden name!), Joe Moss, and Myself. Not too shabby. I don't think it ever broke.

I don't even know who took these pictures, but then this picture came out, and it's one of my favorite pictures from my younger years. I hope I never lose it. :-)

Straight Trippin'

What do you get when you cross the following:

- hubby who hasn't been home all day, finally arriving at 9:30 pm.
- Excited Wifey who's excited to see hubby who hasn't been home all day.
- Crazy dog
- stairs
- darkness

Ready for the answer?

WIFEY. SPLAT. ON THE HARD TILE FLOOR AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS.

Have a great trip, I'll see you next fall.

Friday Flashback

Ok - Jo -you started this, and Katie picked up on it - then Megan did it today, so I found one that seemed appropriate for the weekend...

Without further ado - my first Friday Flashback...



This was 11 years ago. I graduated at 7 pm May 26, 1998 from Buna High School, and my brother Jeremy graduated at 10 am May 27 from East Texas Baptist University (several hours away). It was a crazy weekend, but so well worth it!

A chapter of life is closed...

Troy went home to be with our Lord this morning. While we are grieving, Troy is finally pain and cancer free.

i love you troy - and you will be missed.

Praise You in This Storm

I was sure by now, God,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

Update from Galveston

So Totsie's surgery went very well this morning. We arrived at the hospital around 7 am, and got her all checked in. About 8:15ish, they came to get her to take her down to the nuclear medicine department. They injected some dye into her left side so that they could check to see if the cancer had invaded the lymph nodes. If so, they would just go ahead and remove them while they had her cut open.

Mom and I were sitting the waiting room when I happened to notice Totsie rollin' on by, so Mom got up to go catch them, and I waited for John to come back so he would know where we were. By the time he got back, we were walking down the hall, and found out that Totsie had already been taken back to the holding area for surgery...three hours early! I don't know about your doctor, but i've neveer seen one be early like that!

If i hadn't seen her rolling down the hall, she might have been in and out of surgery before we even knew it! :-)

Dr. T was able to go in and remove all the cancer, and it had not invaded any lymph nodes that he could see at that point. Great news!

By the time she came out of recovery, she was talking and has done very well. She ate two meals, and has even walked to the bathroom a few times. Well, to the chair next to her bed. This room is literally so big, that they didn't want her to have to walk that far when she needed to go.

She started off in a room that was so small, only one person could barely fit in. This room has a love seat that folds out into a twin bed, a recliner, another small chair, a small table, an armoire, and the hospital bed. Not to mention the HUGE bathroom. :-)

We were all going to stay, but soon realized that the sleeping situation wouldn't allow for a comfy night's sleep. Mom and John went on back to the hotel, and I'm now here taking care of Totsie. She's done good for the most part. She's in some pain now, and we almost have to force her to take pain meds. :-/ Her body has been through a lot today for a 78 year old.

As I type this, I finally hear her snoring a bit, so she's finally getting some rest.

me? It's 1:12 am, and I'm not wide awake, but I'm definitely not tired enough to sleep now. I've probably had about 30 minutes so far.

Dr. T should be coming in around 8 am, and once he's been in to see her, she will be discharged. Hopefully, we'll be out of here by noon. :-)

That's it from here for now!

Please run over to Katie's blog to see the updates about Troy. I would post, but i want to be sensitive to anything that might be going on over there, and right now, I only get bits and peices after mom and Totsie talk to Aunt Tammy! I sure don't want to post any wrong information out there.

Thanks to each and every one of you for praying. Again, this is such a trying, difficult time for our family, but the power of prayer is truly amazing.

Devastation Restoration

Today, for the first time since Hurricane Ike, I drove through Galveston Island. As i drove past some of the devastation I was reminded of something. I've been angry at God lately for what He has been doing to our family. I mean, how much tragedy can one family handle? Today, I saw some homes that were completely destroyed, and obviously abandoned. In the midst of these homes were homes that were being rebuilt, and homes that had obviously been totally redone. Most of the roofs have been replaced.

I was reminded that this is so much like many of our personal lives. I imagined the totally devastated homes as those who have gone before us. Those who have passed, and are now enjoying that wonderful place called Heaven. Maybe the people who lived in these homes now have something newer. Nicer. better.

All around those who have gone are those who are being built back up. Restoring. Renewing, and going on with life. When they walk out of their house each day, they are constantly reminded of those no longer there, Just as we always think of those no longer with us.

I was reminded that even though life may seem like a hurricane right now, it will pass, and God will restore us. He's done it before, and will do it again. We may not know what God is doing, but He's got a plan. I have to just remember that.

I actually even smiled a little. :-)

I'd love to expound on this even more, but I'm right where I want and need to be right now, and don't want to spend too much time in front of this computer.

I'm with my mom and my grandmother and my husband, and I'm much better than I was this morning.

I will try to post some updates as the surgery takes place, and you can keep up with Troy's updates by reading Katie's (sister) blog. (Find her on my sidebar "Randomness of a Wannabe Mommy".

My heart is completely broken for her, knowing that she is experiencing what I had to experience 6 years ago.

Troy is now the same age as Jeremy was. *sigh*

Continue to pray. Totsie's surgery is Thursday morning at 9 am at John Sealy Hospital here in Galveston.

until then...signing off.

Hmmph...

Ok, remember the part last night where I said I haven't thought of baby in a month? Well, my medicinally induced "aunt flo" finally showed up today! I haven't seen her in 5 months. I suppose it's time to think baby again! :-)

Broken

I don't even know what to say, really.

I'm so torn apart right now, being so far away from my family. I feel guilty. They are all suffering together, and I'm over here - 6 hours away, feeling totally detached.

4 - yes... 4 of my family members have been stricken with this stupid thing that's killing everyone.

For the first time - I have started to question God. Why is He doing this? Why is He allowing my family to suffer? Why does He bring us up, give us hope, just so we can be let down again? Why does the end seem to near for someone who has barely had a chance to live life? I saw it happen to my brother, and i can't believe I'm seeing it with someone who is the exact same age.

I see my grandmother, who basically has had a pretty healthy life. Minor heart palpitations, and arthritis, but never anything life threatening. Why? Why now? Why her? I've seen her overcome the loss of a husband and a grandson within a few months. I've seen her overcome the loss of several life long friends. I've seen her overcome the loss of her home of 54 years. I will see her overcome this.

I went to EZ's today with John, and this mom came to the table next to us with a little boy who is obviously going through Chemotherapy. He looked so sick, but he seemed so happy. He couldn't have been more than 8-9 years old. I totally lost it sitting at the table. So completely overwhelmed with grief, and heartache and anger. I prayed for that boy as I walked out. I prayed that he would be healed of this terrible killer. I prayed that he wouldn't have to suffer like others have.

It's killing me to be over here. I want to be with my family. I want to see them before it's too late. I just want some time with them. You know how bad I want a baby? The thought has barely crossed my mind in a month. I've barely remembered to take the medication i'm using to jumpstart my body's cycle again. It just doesn't matter to me.

I don't know what I would do without the Oak Hills Staff. They have been like are my family here. They rally around me in prayer when they can't rally around my family. I always felt it kind of strange to lay a hand on someone or outstretch a hand to someone being prayed for - until they did it to me. That can be overwhelming in itself. It's like you can feel the Holy Spirit when people are praying. I have no issues now with outstretching a hand to someone in need.

Almost every day, I recieve an email, or just a kind word from at least 2-3 people on staff, asking me about someone specific in my family. Most of whom they've never met, but they ask about them by name. Wow. They are why I'm here. (Well, John is why I'm here, and not there, but they are a huge part of it too...)

i really don't know what else to say - except PRAY. PRAY. PRAY.

I pray for a peace for my family. I pray that whatever God's will is - that we somehow learn to accept it - good or bad. I am a believer that there is a reason for everything, even if there doesn't seem to be an answer.

remember...when you're praying for someone - it's ok to pray with an outstretched arm or a lifted hand.

God's still in control.

So cute!

I think I have the most precious nephew in the world! He came for a visit, and all of a sudden, Daisee started barking at him...We thought it would scare him, but we were wrong. He burst out into the CUTEST laughter!

The more Daisee barked, the more Nicholas laughed, and the more he laughed, the more she barked...it resulted the the following....



Man, I can't wait to hear my own baby laugh like that!

Drama meant for a Theater....

So, in John's "previous" life (aka: before Melissa), he worked Security at the Alamo Quarry Theaters on the weekends. John is like me, and is just very friendly to most people he meets. Sometimes, that friendliness can be taken as "flirtiness" instead, and then it can be a big mess. Why can't people just accept that people are being nice to them? Maybe because they crave that attention for some reason or another.

Well, I'll be the first to admit that my dear hubby is HOT in a security uniform. (What do you think drew me to him? hehe) Of course that meant he was getting hit on non-stop. (I witnessed it, either while I was on the phone with him, or while I was there, watching from the background...) He used to have this really bad habit of giving out his phone number to flirty girls who would approach him at the theater, while they were trying to get into a rated R movie... Once we met, he changed his phone number, so that no one could call him. :-)

Ok - to my real reason for this post...

Some adults are the most childish people. Ever. This one, though, actually falls in to the category of "pathetic" and Selfish.

There was this manager at The Quarry who had a huge crush on John. Did I say huge? I meant HUGE. Ginormous, obsessive. One night, when I went to meet him there on his break, she got all mad and stormed out. bleh. oh well.

John hasn't worked at the theater now since January of LAST YEAR. I think we've been back once since then to visit an officer he used to work with.

One of those officers called him last week and informed him of some very interesting news....are you ready???

That manager lady is pregnant. and she's telling people it's John's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that?? What a sicko... I'm not sure what her point is, but the officer said other workers at the theater just laughed at her. Thank goodness no one believes it. I mean, what if someone I knew was there, and happened to hear this lady say John Parker was her baby daddy??

I trust him more than I've ever trusted before (you have to when he's in people's homes all day long...and I don't mean just their living rooms. People get cable in their bedrooms, too.), and I know where he is every minute of the day.

I am not angry at this girl, really - in fact, I down right feel sorry for her. The girl seems so desperate...She knows he's married now...maybe that's why she did it. hmmm..

Speaking of sad - John went to a lady's house to install her cable, and she didn't have the COD. John was about to leave, since she didn't have the money, and she apparently broke down in tears...She said there was a COD, because the cable was in her daughter's name, but her daughter had fled the state, because she was in trouble. Since the daughter wasn't there - she couldn't transfer the cable into her name.

In the midst of her tears, she told John that he just didn't understand. she had to have her cable, and she would do anything.

ANYTHING....

Catch my drift?

Thankfully, he just left without saying a word.

Is it the water?

I seriously have NO idea what's going on, but this is crazy.

First of all, please continue to pray for Troy. His tumor markers are extremely high right now. The highest they've been ever. He had a really bad weekend, but hopefully some adjustments to medications will help him to feel better. To keep up with his story, you can Click Here.

My Aunt Helen (My maternal grandfather's sister) was recently diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I'm not sure what type, or the severity, but I do believe she will be doing radiation treatments 5 days a week for 8 weeks.

Last year, my Aunt, Joyce Kay (My dad's sister), was diagnosed with Breast Cancer as well. Again, not sure of the type, but i do know she had a mastectomy in Feb of 2008.

Yesterday, my grandmother (Mom's mom) was Diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Apparently this is the most common type of BC, so that gives me hope that there is a good shot this can be taken care of. Totsie may be in her late 70s, but she's active! She's not an "old" 70.



Lord, I'm not sure what is going on with my family right now, but I just ask you to please lay a hand of healing on them. I boldly ask that you keep them around on this earth with us with no suffering, and no more pain. Lord, each of them has so much life left in them, and I know that they can touch others with their stories. I ask that you be with the rest of the family too, so that we can stand by them, and support them in any way they need. Help us to be strong, and to just be an encouragement to them, so that they never give up on life, or on You. We love you Lord, and know that YOU are the Great Physician, and that healing is a business you will always be in. Please heal Aunt Helen, and Troy, and Totsie.

Debt Free, and it feels good...

Almost there. here's the story..

In August 2000, i got married to S. By our 3rd wedding anniversary, we had racked up some MAJOR debt.

Define "Major", you say?

18 Credit Cards.
21 Creditors.
2 new computers.
1 new house.
1 new car.
new couches for the new house.
new bedroom furniture.
new refrigerator.
Hospital Bills
Doctor Bills
Student Loans...

Is that enough? I'd say so.

With just the Creditors, we were over $60,000 in debt. (not including cars, house, computers, doctors, student loans...yadda yadda yadda...)

It was depressing. We paid what we could, but it wasn't much. The car fell behind. The house fell behind. One by one...credit cards were becoming later and later and later. We really did what we could. We cut our eating out down to almost nothing, we cut off cable, and really, not one morsel of food was wasted. There were nights of coming home to no electricity because we couldn't pay the bill. We borrowed money from parents on countless occasions just to make ends meet. We knew we couldn't afford to sell the house, because there's so much money involved in that. Besides, to get back into an apartment would require a credit check. Need I say more about that? Our car wouldn't fit us, our stuff and our two dogs, so we stayed with the house.

Our phone rang constantly from 8 am to 9 pm with rude, harassing creditors telling us how bad our credit was going to be messed up, and my response was always the same. "You're not going to make it any worse than it already is."

A couple of loans ended up defaulting, and with some more borrowed money, we got a computer paid off.

Finally, when we couldn't take it anymore, we tried some financial counseling, but it wasn't a fit for us and the situation we were in. For you Dave Ramsey fans out there - if it works for you - great. keep it up. It wasn't feasible for us to work the way he thinks you should live your lifestyle.

We finally asked around, and decided to step out on a limb, and try a debt consolidation company. There are a lot of scammers out there, so we had to be very careful. I made a phone call to Money Management International (referred to from here on out at MMI), a Consumer Credit Counseling Service company, and began the process. That was by far the best decision we ever made. It took a lot of time, and we had to gather so much information, and then proposals had to be sent to each company.

Many of the creditors agreed to the proposals, and they even lowered interest rates to almost nothing. Most of them were at 0-1%, one stayed at 17%, one was at 5% or 9%, so they were all in all pretty low. We had to sign an agreement that we would not open any other credit cards, apply for any loans, or ANYTHING that touched our credit as long as we were on this plan. If we did, they could kick us off the plan, and we were on our own again. We had so much debt that the consolidation plan payment was more than our house note each month. For nearly 5 years, that payment was made on time each and every month. Never late. Even when our house payment was 3 months behind - our MMI payment was taken care of.

MMI was so easy and friendly to deal with. If a creditor contacts you, you just refer them to MMI, and MMI deals with it.

Along the way, we've had a few troubles with one or two creditors, and one ended up taking themselves off the program, and then refused to accept a new proposal. Their loss for that time.

Here it is - April 2, 2009, and S made the final payment to our Debt Consolidation Company yesterday. No April Foolin' here.

It.
Is.
Finished.
Oh.
My.
God.

And God is who I owe this to. Without His help, we couldn't have done this. Not only did we keep this up through a major move from Houston to San Antonio, but we managed to keep it going through one of the toughest times ever - our divorce. No matter what, God always provided for us. We had a car up for sale that we ended up being able to keep - we were able to sell our house in a fairly short amount of time, and now we are seeing the rewards.

We have one more credit card to pay off, and it will be paid off in a matter of a couple of months, and then we're done. S was gracious enough to let me skip a few payments when times were tough for me financially on my own, so I will make those up at the end. I can't wait for the day I put that last amount of money into S's account, and then i can actually say "I'm debt free..." It will feel like I just got a huge raise.

Both of us have actually been able to finance cars in these last months of the plan, because our credit shows most of those credit cards paid off.

I can say this: (and this is my advice - ) If you are able to have a credit card that you pay off each and every month, NO MATTER WHAT - more power to you. That's awesome. If you can't pay your debt off each month - I would highly suggest you stay clear of the credit cards. If you don't have the money for it, don't buy it. Everything I buy now is paid for when I walk out of the store with it.

With all that being said, here is a link to a pretty great video that sums it all up. I'm sorry I couldn't add it straight to the blog...

Enjoy!

Stay out of Debt Video (Seriously - watch it...)

BOO!

Scared ya, didn't I?

:-)

I suppose I should give an update since my last update! I've really gotten lazy with my blogging, but have a few minutes, so I'll let you in on what's going on here.

First a few Random Bullets -
- I'm so excited! My sister-in-law just got a job up here at the church. It's a part time position in our Bibleland Buddies! She started Saturday, and she told me she LOVES the 2 year olds. She was impressed with how they teach such young children about God. I'm excited that I'll get to see her every week, and that precious little nephew of mine. :-) I took him to support staff meeting last week, and he just ate it up. (So did they!)

- I think for the second time in 4 years - I've decided I'm not going to pursue moving away from San Antonio. The first time, God gave me a physical sign as to why I should stay where I was, but this time, I just feel Him telling me to stay put. This is hard for me to understand, because I really really really really miss East Texas, and want to go back. Technically, I could see physical signs again, because I'm in absolute AWE of God's creation every day I drive home...(For those of you that see my "hateful" traffic updates on Facebook, this part comes AFTER i've sat in traffic for a bazillion hours) I see scenery that i would never see in East Texas. The Hill Country is absolutely beautiful, and I can't believe I'm honored enough to live amongst such greatness. I wish my words could describe the beauty I see everyday when I walk out my front door. I love that. I want to keep that. If God has plans for me to go back to East Texas, then He'll open that door when the time comes. for now - I'll be content where I am (just as he told me the very first time...)

- I really wanted to start car shopping sometime this summer, since my debt management with my ex will be COMPLETELY gone in the fall. My car will be 7 this summer, with well over 120K miles on it, and frankly, it's starting to have some minor little problems that I don't want to turn into major ones. I still haven't gotten the timing belt changed. It sucks that John works on Saturdays, because these are the days we could be getting this stuff done! I've just recently learned of all the perks from buying a house in San Antonio, and if that's a possibility for us to pursue - I'll keep Hellina (My car - Hellina Honda), for a while so we can afford a house note IF we are able to pull that off by the time our lease is up this year.

- Lately, I've been really jealous of those who get to enjoy weekends with their husbands. The weather is absolutely beautiful right now, and I would love to be outside, working in the yard (if I had one), going to the lake, bike riding, and well, just being together. I know, I know...some of you don't have that. Maybe you're ok with it, maybe you're not, but I don't like it. It'd be one thing if I knew when he left in the morning that he would be home that afternoon, but I never know when he's gonna be home. He doesn't get off at a certain time. He can't just call it quits when 7 pm rolls around. He may not get off till 9-10 at night. Yes, we have Wednesdays together, and this is great, but anytime we want to take a weekend trip, it's a big hassle, because Time Warner can't seem to get their stuff together, and make those vacation days happen. Enough about that. :-)

- ok - now to my update from my last post. I did go back to my old OBGyn, and am so thankful I did. Except for the whole insurance fiasco. Then the nurse comes to the door, and I hear "Mrs. Drake?". "My name is not Drake anymore, it's Parker." "Well, by LAW I have to call you by what is on your insurance, so until you change that, I'll call you Drake." wow. umm...Haven't been a Drake in a year, and my insurance says PARKER!!!! My only comment to her was "this is the only office that has given me a problem over changing my insurance."

Dr. B. came in, and when I started telling her that I STILL haven't seen Aunt Flo, (It's been since January), she was a little concerned, and unlike the previous Doc who asked me what I wanted her to do about it - she immediately started trying to figure out what might be going on. She did blood work, and an ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed that I had just ovulated, and that i have PCOS (Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome). yay. It's a big cause of infertility, so she wanted to see if the cysts were the only thing I have, or if I had something else going on. She checked my thyroid, and my insulin resistance. Dr. B. was great. John was with me (imagine the look on his face when the lady called me by my previous married name!), and she made sure to explain everything very clear to him as well. He liked that. I was glad to have his support because I was really bummed. We concluded the visit, and she said that if my visitor didn't come in two weeks, since I ovulated, to take a pregnancy test, and if it was positive, come back and see her, and if it was negative, to fill the prescription she gave to me to force my visitor to come.

As I left the office, i gave them the insurance card that had PARKER as my last name, and requested it be changed.

The following monday, Dr. B called me to tell me that my thyroid meds were working because my levels were perfect, and I'm not insulin resistant. :-) Yay!! My treatment for PCOS? Weight Loss. I've already lost 3 pounds, so I'm excited about that. This is good motivation for me.

This Thursday will mark the two week wait, so we'll see what happens! I don't feel pregnant, but at this point, anything happening will make me happy!

----
Well, I suppose that's it for now...I really should be working, but wanted to do this while I was thinking of it. My dream would be to have something to report this week, but we'll see.

until then...

Exposed and Unhappy

*WARNING* Feminine details ahead...

So - As I've mentioned in previous blogs, John and I would like to have a baby. Since I've moved to another side of town, and I like to try and schedule my Dr. Appointments for my off days, i decided to change doctors. I liked my other one, she's just a good long way from here. Soooo...I get a referral from my PCP. Let's just call the new ObGYN Dr. K.

First, I had to wait nearly two months to get in, so I thought - wow. She must be great! I patiently waited, and as the time got closer, I was getting excited. I've tried for a baby in the past (well, sorta tried, I suppose. - no sex when you're on Clomid? Is that really trying?), and knew there were some small issues. Well - a big one - I wasn't really ovulating.

Ok - so I'm on my way to the office. I leave in plenty of time, knowing there's gonna be paperwork, and all sorts of other HIPPA stuff to deal with. I have the address and the map printed out, and it seems really easy to find. It's right next to North Central Baptist, and I've been there a couple of times, so I sorta knew what was around. The address was 502 Madison Oak. I'm driving around, and the map takes me directly to the "Emergency Vehicles Only" entrance, and the HELIPAD!! Oh CRAP! I need to get out of here quickly. I drove all the way around the hospital, and I saw 505 Madison Oak, and then it jumped to 540 Madison Oak. What the..?? Of course, I didn't have the phone number, so I had to call someone back at my office to get the phone number off of the website. I call them, and it's THEN they inform me that they are located INSIDE the hospital. Hello? That would have been a nice bit of information to give me on the phone.

I arrive at the office, and I'm greeted by a girl who obviously is annoyed by having to come to work every day. I hate the HIPPA junk, where the office is all enclosed behind a peice of glass. The girl watched me sign in through the glass so that she would know who I was...went to the back, did a few things, and then opened the glass. There was no "hello...how are you..." nothing. Just a "there's a lady in front of you. Have a seat, and have your ID and insurance card out when I call you back up." By the time I got to my seat, she was calling me back. Grrr...

She was just very cold, and that pretty much set the tone for the rest of the visit. It wasn't long before I was called back, and the nurse was pretty friendly. She talked to me more than anyone else. She took me down a long hall to a bathroom, cause I had to take a pregnancy test. I'm a week late, and have had two negative tests so far. So...lovely - I had to carry my cup of pee all the way back to my room. For those of you that know me really well - you know I have bathroom phobias. I can't pee or anything if someone else is in the bathroom. I get all freaked out. So to carry this cup down the hall was pretty traumatizing. :-)

Finally, Dr. K comes in, and asks me what the purpose of my visit was, so I start explaining...new patient, no period, have been irregular for years now, want to get pregnant, yadda yadda yadda... She was very hard to talk to. I never got really comfortable with her. As a matter of fact, I felt plain stupid. After a couple of minutes talking to her, she left out, so I could put the gown on. It takes me less than 2 minutes, and I can hear her outside my door, talking to two men. 10 minutes later, she finally comes back in, and proceeds with the examination. Sshe asked what steps I had taken previously to make sure I was ovulating, and I told her that i physically went to the doctor, and had an ultrasound done to check.

The breast exam - I'm a very modest person. I don't like for people to see my body. My previous doc would always keep the gown closed, and respectfully do the exam under the gown. Not Dr. K. She's gonna totally expose me while laying on the table, and while I'm on the table, totally free to the world, her nurse is going to open the door wide open, and just walk on in. Lovely.

Well, basically, after I talked to her a little bit, she looks at me, and says "Well, what do you want me to do? Your previous problems could have been your ex husband, so try some OPKs, and chart your BBT. If you're not pregnant in three months, come back and see me."

No. Thank. You.

In the mean time, I still haven't started and with my history of ruptured cysts, it makes me a little uncomfortable that she didn't give me the normal meds to jumpstart my cycle.

I think i'll go back to my old doc. Oh, and remember the part where I said I try to make appointments for my days off? My days off are Wednesdays - She doesn't work on Wednesday either.

hmmph.

It's a 'Dull' Life!

Well, once again, it's been a month! So much has happened, but not much to blog about.

I would like to re-vamp my blog a little. I need a new title. Something....catchy. Fun. What can you do with Parker?? Any ideas?

I'm still here...

somewhere.

It's been a while since I've posted, huh? oops.

Truth is - i just haven't felt like it. I've been suffering lately from the big "D".

depression.

So much has happened over the past month or so, but truth is, i still don't feel like posting.

Let's see, there was Christmas, New Year's, a terrible week back at work, the Christmas ornaments I promised to show you (last post), my "hope to accomplish in 2009" list, fully restored relationships, and maybe a few other things.

I suppose for now, I'll just write out my "Hope to Accomplish List for 2009".

(Goals is a very nasty word to me right now, due to the week I had at work last week. :-) )

• Accomplish at least 80% of this list.


• Read and Study "The Heart of the Artist"


• Go on a honeymoon with John


• Have a baby, or at least get pregnant (not looking so good so far).


• Have all Drake debts paid off - Will post about that in March.


• Get my teeth straight again


• Grow and strengthen my relationship with my Lord.


• Grow and strengthen my relationship with John.


• Tithe weekly


• Move back to Houston by this time next year.

Well, those are them for now. Most of them are pretty big, but at least they are all achievable, right?

One thing I do feel is worth mentioning is the "restored relationship" I mentioned above.

In 1993-1994, a very special family moved to Buna, TX. My new youth minister, his wife, and their 5 children. I remember those of us my age were disappointed to learn that there wasn't a really hot guy our age that we would be sharing classes with. (This was the case with all the previous ministers...they all had sons that Jamie, Lauren, and I all took turns dating, and fighting over. HA!) Turns out, that was just fine. I soon became close to one of the daughters, who was a few years younger than I. I was also very close to her mom. I really looked up to her for everything.

Well, I'm not sure what happened, but she (the daughter), and I grew apart. We both talked about each other, backstabbed each other, and sometimes, I think we competed for the same friends...

One night, my mom and I went over to their house, and had a long talk to try and get it all out, and figure out what went wrong. We mended things right then, and although we were never close as we used to be, we didn't seem to have some kind of vendetta against each other any longer. Honestly, I think we really only talked a handful of times over the next 13 years.

This past October (15 years later), she was in San Antonio for a conference. John and I ended up picking her up from her hotel, and we went out to eat. I took her on a tour of Oak Hills Church, and we really had a great visit. I remember calling my mom and just telling her how mature and grown up she was.

Last Saturday, I got a message from her. She is studying the Fruits of the Spirit, and her focus now is Love. "Show me how to love like you have loved me." After 15 years, Jo Lynn Hawk apologized to me for all the crap that went on when we were in Jr. High and High School. I was in awe of how God is working in her life, and I put this out there publicly for everyone to see, because it meant that much to me. I apologized back to her, and told her I had forgiven her years ago.

The following week, I did the same thing. I made amends with people at work, and now, I'm working on who I need to go back, and ask forgiveness from.

Thank you, Jo Lynn for touching my life with a simple little note. You are truly growing into a mature woman of God.