Movin’ on now.
I laid down in bed the other night, and John was in the shower. It was pitch black, and quiet, except for the sound of the fan in the bedroom, and the running water in the bathroom. I had just barely dozed when I hear *DING* “You are now off track.” Huh? My first reaction was to jump outta bed with the .45 and
It was one of those times when a thousand things can run through your head in a time that feels like forever. But, it didn’t take me but a minute to realize that the silly little female animated voice was John’s phone that must be possessed. It was sitting on the dining table, and just kicked itself into GPS mode. I’m not sure where it thought I was going, but something has been ringing in my head since that night.
Maybe it wasn’t the silly phone being weird, yelling out that I’m not headed in the right direction. Maybe it was a subtle (ok, maybe not so subtle) message from God telling me I’m not headed in the right direction in my life. Funny thing is that I feel I’ve been running in circles for a while now, and can’t seem to get to where I want to be. I have so many good intentions, but no motivation.
I suppose you can say I’ve been in a bit of a pity party for myself for a little while now. I’ve had some health issues that have been buggin’ the fire out of me. Something is going on that makes me absolutely so tired that I can barely hold my eyes open a lot of the time. John and I were in a raid on WoW the other night, and I actually fell asleep in the middle. For those of you WoW players, you know that raids are intense, and there’s so much going on, you don’t have much time to think about anything else. Yeah. Out. Right in the middle of it.
My attitude has been down right sucky lately – my poor husband catching a lot of it. I thank God I have such a patient man. I know I’m not the easiest person to live with sometimes. I don’t want to do anything around the house, and we’ve eaten out so much, because I don’t have the energy to cook. To cook, you have to have food. To have food, you must go to the grocery store. To go to the grocery store, you have to have motivation. To have motivation, you have to have energy. Oh. That’s the problem.
Of course the lack of energy leads to laziness, which leads to…you guessed it! Weight gain. Weight gain = severe self esteem issues. I’m supposed to be on synthroid, but I’m too lazy to take it. I know that if I were to take it – I would probably feel somewhat better. I’ve been injecting myself with triple the dose of B12 just to be able to function throughout the day. Sometimes, that works a little. (yes, it’s ok. It’s a water soluble vitamin. Not gonna hurt me.)
I’ve been to the doctor, but nothing’s coming up right now. I do know that I’ve had some sort of a bladder/kidney infection since about November of last year – and the doctors can’t seem to get rid of that either. Which leads me to another issue. I don’t like to leave the house, since every trip to the bathroom is an emergency. I have to plan everything around places that have restrooms. I’ve had one – yes ONE monthly cycle since January. And that one was medically induced. I want a baby. Yes, I know I’ve only been married 9 months – but remember – I was married for 7 years before that with the same issues.
I’m just frustrated with a lot lately – I’m frustrated that the nights I actually do something, and I’m not home, John gets off of work on time. Then, the nights that I’m home waiting for him to get there, he gets off at 9:30. I wish he had a job that he could be home on the weekends. If my family was closer, it may not seem so bad, but it’s an act of congress to get a day off from Time Warner on a weekend if we want to do anything. And we all know what Congress is like now.
My biggest issue right now though is my self esteem. It’s so in the dumps right now. I know I’m not fat, but I’m well over the weight I need to be . I can’t wear half the clothes in my closet, and I don’t have the money to buy anything else (a large chunk of my paycheck goes to my ex each month). The ones I have – I wear the tale off of. They are faded, have holes in them, or are just about to fall apart in general. Shopping depresses me because I’m a hard body to fit. My chest is quite a bit larger than most people my size, so in order to fit that, the clothes swallow me everywhere else. If they fit decent through the waist, then I can’t zip it all the way up. I found the perfect dress for my wedding day, but couldn’t zip it past my chest. Grrr.. My face is broken out like a 14 year old kid. Nothing in this world hides what is going on there. I’ve tried all sorts of different products – but I think the hormones are completely overriding any product I buy. I look at pictures of me recently, and I barely recognize the girl I see. My eyes almost shut, and I seem to get all stiff when a camera is in front of me. I think that's the self esteeem part coming out.
Bleh.
Yeah, there’s a lot more, but I suppose I’ll stop. If you’ve made it this far, wow. Thanks for stickin by me.
I'll get better. I'm just in a lull right now, and will get out eventually. Prayers are appreciated. :-)
