Officially Over

The fatigue is gone. The soreness is 95% gone. The physical pain is gone. The baby is gone.

The one thing that is not gone, however is my love for our baby. More love than I thought possible in such a short time.

I was in such pain Saturday, I finally lost any little bit of hope I had that our baby would survive, and would be born big and healthy in October. I couldn't move. I was confined to the floor. My breasts ached worse than I had ever felt, and I couldn't turn over, move, or anything without wanting to scream. On top of the pain I was already feeling. I found myself yelling at God. Begging Him to take the baby if that's what His plan was. To please not drag this out (me, on the internet again had read stories of people who waited WEEKS to miscarry a baby - I could not imagine...) and let us have false hope. The pain subsided temporarily. Until about 3 AM Sunday. It was agony. I seriously felt like I was in labor. I'd have major sharp pains, and then they would die down, and I would doze off. Then they'd come right back, and we repeated this process. I tried to wake John up, but couldn't. I managed to get up and get my phone, some headphones, and a cold rag. I put Pandora on my Fernando Ortega station, and tried to relax.

Of course all that did was make me cry. and then bawl, and then blubber... This woke John up. I finally got him to get me some Tylenol PM (i hadn't taken anything, since I hadn't started bleeding yet). I just laid in his arms and we cried together until about 5 that morning. When the meds kicked in, i finally was able to get some sleep, and we slept until after 11.

I got up that morning, and it had begun. I knew it was over. I was still in a lot of pain off and on Sunday, and was still dog tired. John and I laid around, played a bunch of WoW, and just tried to keep ourselves occupied.

Yesterday morning, I was going to try and go to work, but when I got up, I was very weak and pretty dizzy. I decided I should just stay home and try to rest some more. John got up to go to work as usual, and I was just about to doze back off when I heard the door open. I thought he had forgotten his phone, but he came back into the bedroom, put his stuff down, and told me his boss had told him to stay home. :-) I was very happy. We went back to sleep for a while.

Later, I found out that John had completely forgotten his schedule changed, and he doesn't work on Mondays anymore! HA! Silly John and his poor memory. :-)

I have thoroughly enjoyed the time I've gotten to spend with him over the past week. I feel this sadness has brought us closer together than we've ever been. We're coping really well together, and have had a lot of deep talks about our future and what our plans are. What we hope to see accomplished.

God has definitely been there, too. I can feel the prayers. I can feel His love. I can feel Peace. He has shown me in so many different ways how He is there. A friend of mine shared this scripture with me last Friday:

Psalm 34:17-18
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

To say my spirit was crushed through all this would be an understatement - but I feel He has done just that. He has saved me from that darkness. He has heard my cry. He has given me a peace about this all, and I have hope that John and I will have a baby. I have hope that we can try again soon, and be successful.

Thanks to each and every one of you who has called, emailed, or contacted me in some way through this. I'm sorry if I missed your call, and didn't return it - or if I seem distant. At this point, I'm really not up for talking about it in person with anyone - I'm ready to go on. I know eventually, I will want to talk about it again, but i feel right now that bringing it up will not help us to move ahead.

Just Waiting...

I don't feel any different. I still feel as pregnant as I did last weekend, when everything was fine.

I wish I hadn't had that bloodwork done on Wednesday. At least if I was going to miscarry, then i would only know when it already happened. But sitting around, waiting to miscarry? This is for the birds.

I just hope it happens soon. I want this to be over with.

I'm sooooo very thankful to have the support of family and friends... What would I do without y'all?

And just like that....

It's over.

There will be no baby in October.

5 Weeks

Last Monday morning marked day 13 after my first IUI. I had prepared the night before and laid out an HPT, and told John that I wasn't sure if I was going to take it the next morning or not. I was a nervous wreck. I had taken so many only to be disappointed. I could buy stock in the HPT companies I've used so many in the past 9 years.

So - Monday morning, I wake up - take the test. As I'm sitting there, I'm anxiously watching the little lines all show up as they're supposed to. And then I see it. But was it really there? I had slept in my contacts, so my eyes were pretty fuzzy, and I really wasn't awake yet. So I sat it down, and waited a few more minutes and looked again. It was barely there, but it was there. I didn't know what to do. I just started shaking, and immediately went to wake up John. It was such a surreal moment. I honestly don't remember exactly what I told him, but I think I said something about "There are two lines!"

I knew that I wasn't far along at all, and figured that's why it was so faint. I called my mom at 6:30 that morning, and woke her up, and told my dad right after. I told a few people at work, but asked them to keep it quiet, because I wanted to wait until I got the results from my bloodwork, which was Thursday.

I got home Monday evening, and immediately picked up the test. I freaked, because the line seemed to totally disappear! (Now, I know you're not supposed to read them after 10 minutes, but i couldn't control my mind.) I was so freaked out that John and I went that night and bought more. I took another one that evening, and i had prepared myself that since it was so late in the day, and so early in the pregnancy, there would probably be nothing there. I was wrong. There it was again. Faint, but there. I took another one Tuesday morning, and another one Wednesday morning. All very faint positives. Stupid me, though. I'm such a googler. I'm looking up all kinds of stuff about faint positives, and disappearing positives, and evaporation lines, and anything else I could conjure up in my tee-niney little brain.

By Wednesday night, I was in tears, because I had convinced myself those were all evaporation lines, and I wasn't in fact pregnant. I started regretting telling anyone, and wondering to myself - "Why didn't I just wait?" /sigh

I barely slept Wednesday night, knowing i had bloodwork at 7:30 the next morning. I had called them Wednesday and asked how long it would take to get the results back, because by this time, I was ready to check myself into a nut house, and ask them to knock my lights out.

So we got up, gave the Doctor's office some of my blood, went home, and waited. and waited. and waited. I paced, tried to sleep, paced, played wow, watched TV, tried to sleep, paced... you get the picture.

Thank goodness I set up my iPhone to sync with my work email, and now when we get voicemails on our phones, we get an email as well. I was sitting there, and heard an email come in on my phone, and I saw RMA of Texas. When I listened to the message - I just heard "Congratulations" and didn't hear the rest of the message. I had no clue what else she said. Once I went back and listened again, I was glad I did - because i needed to schedule another appointment! hehe...

So here I am. My second round of bloodwork was yesterday, and she said the HcG hormone was rising beautifully.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I still can't believe it. I had no idea I would be this way. I thought - meh - pregnancy, I'll be excited. I find myself moving around carefully (cause at first I didn't want to "shake" anything loose. HA!), and i worry about every little pain, or strange feeling I have. I still had almost convinced myself even the bloodwork was wrong. After yesterday's results, though, I'm just like - "Hey! Dummy! Sit back, relax and enjoy the life God is growing inside of you!" So that's what I'm going to do. I'm so very thankful that God is giving us this opportunity to have a child of our own. To love, to care for, to be needed...

I'm five weeks today, So - Here's what my baby will be doing this week:

(Taken from babycenter.com)
Deep in your uterus your embryo is growing at a furious pace. At this point, he's about the size of a sesame seed, and he looks more like a tiny tadpole than a human. He's now made up of three layers — the ectoderm, the mesoderm, and the endoderm — which will later form all of his organs and tissues.

The neural tube — from which your baby's brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone will sprout — is starting to develop in the top layer, called the ectoderm. This layer will also give rise to his skin, hair, nails, mammary and sweat glands, and tooth enamel.

His heart and circulatory system begin to form in the middle layer, or mesoderm. (This week, in fact, his tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood.) The mesoderm will also form your baby's muscles, cartilage, bone, and subcutaneous (under skin) tissue.

The third layer, or endoderm, will house his lungs, intestines, and rudimentary urinary system, as well as his thyroid, liver, and pancreas. In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.

Seriously? My baby's heart will begin to beat this week! Wow. Amazing. This is going to be a great journey!

Symptoms so far: Mild mild nausea every once in a while, extreme fatigue (i slept in my car before coming into to work), and crazy emotions - cry like a baby. Other than that, I think i feel pretty decent. Oh... and the girls are soooo sore, that it hurts to lay in bed, and wakes me up all night long. bleh.

Hmmm... ok?

First of all, if you're expecting a little one in the near future, or you have recetly had one - please please please do not be offended. I just have to get this off my chest.

This week alone, i have learned of about 5 people who are pregnant (on top of those I already knew about). /sigh ok. Seriously? I mean, really?

Lord, what are you trying to do to me? Especially in my 2WW? I seriously would like to crawl under a rock until next Thursday, or whatever day I finally give in and POAS. It's still way to early, being only 9DPIUI, but I'm like. hmmm... can I wait until Monday? who knows?

I'm so silly sometimes, tho - sitting still and just trying to see if I feel anything. anything. A little sharp pain somewhere, a tiny bit of nausea, dizziness, fatigue, anything. I even sit there, and think about different foods, and see what I feel. Do I feel repulsed by it? Do I all of a sudden want it, and will not stop until I get it? nope. Of course - I can make myself feel all of those things if I want to.

Like - I'll get a quick 5 second wave of nausea, but it passes. I wanna fall asleep on my desk, but yet, I can't sleep. The other night, I felt this crazy little numbness come and go on the left side of my belly, and I thought to myself - hmm... implantation that might have touched a nerve?

I'm seriously torturing myself. I so want this to have worked. I'm actually not sure if I can handle this crazy emotional roller coaster again if it doesn't work. I do not like the demon that comes out in me when I get angry. and I mean angry. Things breaking and flying across the apartment angry. Uncontrollable anger with shaking and wanting to pass out anger. that's only come out of couple of times, but that's more than plenty.

Last night - I went from raging to crying uncontrollably. Everything made me cry. Then John made me laugh and I was actually laughing and sobbing at the same time. geez...

All I can do at this point is pray. If this IUI didn't work - i either need different meds, or to not do this at all. While I want a baby more than anything in this world right now - I'm not willing to let John stay in the line of fire constantly. I love him with everything that I am - he's the most amazing man, and I'm not gonna lose him.

ok -done ranting now. now back to your regularly scheduled programs.

2WW - Half way there!

I'm halfway through my two week wait now. /sigh. Can I just go to sleep, and wake up next Thursday? Here's an update since my IUI last Tuesday. (this is an email that I sent to several friends on Facebook, but I thought it would work here, too.)

It was not a great week. Last Sunday evening, I took the HcG "trigger" shot, and Monday morning, I was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable. I just felt really "full." Tuesday morning, John and I went in for the IUI, and it wasn't my normal doctor that did it. It was another lady in the office, and she really doesn't say much. She was just like "well, everything looks good! Lay here until this timer goes off, and then you can leave." I have no idea what size the follicles were, how many had developed, or anything. Silly me kept thinking she would take the measurements, but by the time I thought to ask, she was already out. So, anyways... By Tuesday afternoon, i was VERY uncomfortable - Like I had been pumped full of air. I did go to work, but i couldn't sit in my chair very long, so I ended up just going back home to the couch. Wednesday was ok, and ThursDAY was meh.. Thursday night, tho. Oh. my. gosh. It was awful. I was in tears from the pain, and i don't generally cry from pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance. THe pressure was almost more than I could handle, and well, it was just painful. I was about to have John take me to the ER, but i decided to call the Doctor's office first. I left a message, and within 5 minutes. yes, FIVE minutes, my doctor called me back. He's so funny. He was apologizing to me for calling from a restaurant that decided to start playing disco music right as he called. haha... anyways - as soon as I told him what I was feeling - he knew what it was. He told me to take a couple of Extra Strength Tylenol, and come in Friday morning. It took a little while, but the meds kickd in, and i got some relief.

Long story short - once he did the ultrasound, he was right - I had Moderate Ovarian Hyperstimulation Sydrome (OHSS). My body had way overreacted to the meds, so I really was "full." :-) I did have a cyst rupture as well, so there was quite a bit of fluid build up. This one was mild compared to the ruptured cysts I had in 2003 in Houston, that landed me in the hospital for 2 days. He told me to just take it easy - not to make any brisk movements, just so that another didn't rupture as well. He also told me to stay home - not to sing this weekend as I was scheduled to do.

The good news is - he said that this could be a positive thing. He said a lot of times this develops and goes to the moderate stage (of the three stages, mild, moderate, severe) if there is a pregnancy. :-)

I couldn't help but smile, but it's way too soon for me to get my hopes up yet. FOr the most part, the pain has subsided. I still get small waves of pretty crazy pain, but i can walk normal now, where as last week, i was crouched over when i walked.

Thank you for your prayers, and please continue. One more week, and while i feel like this week is going to last forever - I look back, and can't believe the IUI was a week ago tomorrow! wow.

I'm incredibly sleepy this morning after a good night's sleep, and have a small headache. hmmm...Of course - I'm so mental - i could make myself have every symptom there is if I wanted to. bleh. :-)

I will continue to keep you updated!