Broken

I don't even know what to say, really.

I'm so torn apart right now, being so far away from my family. I feel guilty. They are all suffering together, and I'm over here - 6 hours away, feeling totally detached.

4 - yes... 4 of my family members have been stricken with this stupid thing that's killing everyone.

For the first time - I have started to question God. Why is He doing this? Why is He allowing my family to suffer? Why does He bring us up, give us hope, just so we can be let down again? Why does the end seem to near for someone who has barely had a chance to live life? I saw it happen to my brother, and i can't believe I'm seeing it with someone who is the exact same age.

I see my grandmother, who basically has had a pretty healthy life. Minor heart palpitations, and arthritis, but never anything life threatening. Why? Why now? Why her? I've seen her overcome the loss of a husband and a grandson within a few months. I've seen her overcome the loss of several life long friends. I've seen her overcome the loss of her home of 54 years. I will see her overcome this.

I went to EZ's today with John, and this mom came to the table next to us with a little boy who is obviously going through Chemotherapy. He looked so sick, but he seemed so happy. He couldn't have been more than 8-9 years old. I totally lost it sitting at the table. So completely overwhelmed with grief, and heartache and anger. I prayed for that boy as I walked out. I prayed that he would be healed of this terrible killer. I prayed that he wouldn't have to suffer like others have.

It's killing me to be over here. I want to be with my family. I want to see them before it's too late. I just want some time with them. You know how bad I want a baby? The thought has barely crossed my mind in a month. I've barely remembered to take the medication i'm using to jumpstart my body's cycle again. It just doesn't matter to me.

I don't know what I would do without the Oak Hills Staff. They have been like are my family here. They rally around me in prayer when they can't rally around my family. I always felt it kind of strange to lay a hand on someone or outstretch a hand to someone being prayed for - until they did it to me. That can be overwhelming in itself. It's like you can feel the Holy Spirit when people are praying. I have no issues now with outstretching a hand to someone in need.

Almost every day, I recieve an email, or just a kind word from at least 2-3 people on staff, asking me about someone specific in my family. Most of whom they've never met, but they ask about them by name. Wow. They are why I'm here. (Well, John is why I'm here, and not there, but they are a huge part of it too...)

i really don't know what else to say - except PRAY. PRAY. PRAY.

I pray for a peace for my family. I pray that whatever God's will is - that we somehow learn to accept it - good or bad. I am a believer that there is a reason for everything, even if there doesn't seem to be an answer.

remember...when you're praying for someone - it's ok to pray with an outstretched arm or a lifted hand.

God's still in control.