There is Hope!

John and I had our follow up visit yesterday with Dr. A. I had been praying about this visit, and when we went in, I really had a peace about everything. Didn't know why, but I did. (Well, I know that God gave me that peace.) I had been praying about it so that I would be prepared for anything he had to say.

Dr. A told me that everything looks perfect, and is functioning correctly, other than the fact that the sperm seem to be going to the dance alone. My eggs aren't showing up. :-) hehe. we thought that was cute. He presented a treatment option to us (150 mg Clomid + another med that surpresses the male hormones that apparently are keeping me from ovulating - I knew I was feeling strong lately!) Then I could go through another series of ultrasounds, but the cost would be $950. If it didn't work, it would be $950 for each cycle until I got pregnant. or until we moved to another method of treatment, where the cost escalates dramatically. I was a little crushed, because there's no way we can afford that. They want the payment all at once.

I asked them about John's insurance, because I will be solely on his in January. She said she would try, but generally, insurances don't cover fertility treatments at all. She said she was going to go try and find something out.

While she was gone, John and I discussed a few other things, and when she came back in, she had a big smile on her face. She said "um. I have very good news. Your insurance covers three IUIs and three IVFs!!"

Thank. You. Lord.

That's amazing. Less than 15% of insurances cover those treatments, much less cover IN FULL. That's 6 whole months of treatment covered, and Dr. A just looked at me and said "I think it's only gonna take one - two treatments at the most IF you aren't pregnant by the time you come back in January. "

WOO HOO!! He also said "Now, Melissa. You CAN ovulate on your own, and I'll tell you how, but you can't hit me."

"I'm listening."

"You need to lose about 5% of your body mass, and it will start happening again on it's own."

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So, my friends, I already know the reason why things have worked out the way they have. I have the next 3 1/2 months to work on getting my weight down to where it's supposed to be (my height and age indicate I should be between 125-135, and I'm at 146 now. Was at 153 when I started!!), and just prepare myself for what could come in 2010! Maybe, just maybe, if I get the weight off, i'll start having my monthly visitor on a regular basis, and not have to induce her medically. Dr. A. prescribed me Provera, but wants me to wait two months before taking it.

Our plans for the next few months are to just enjoy each other as a couple, with no stress about babies, but if it happens, we'll be thrilled.

Woo Hoo! Thank you Lord for answered prayers!

Opening the Door into the Infertility World

My name is Melissa, and I'm infertile.

Hope is not lost at this point, but disappointment has set in.

I do love the New Living Translation version of Psalm 130:5.

I am counting on the Lord; Yes, I am counting on Him.
I have put my hope in His Word.

This is all we can do at this point. Trust in the Lord. His way is perfect.

Please do not be offended, but while encouragement is appreciated, the last words i want to hear right now, are:

"If it's meant to be, God will give you a baby when it's the right time." (or any variation on that) While true, that's not very comforting to me right now. Yes, I know that God will give me a baby when "the time is right," but those words are not going to make me feel better right now. They are not going to take away my desire to have a little one.

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I do not want to post details of this week's Doctor visit yet. I want to wait until we sit down with Dr. A next week and actually hear what our options are. All I can ask of you right now is to pray for us. Pray for the right treatment plan, and for us to be wise in the decisions we make as to how far into this journey we want to venture.

I have made some lifestyle changes in hopes of getting in front of the PCOS (lost 5 lbs already!), and maybe... just maybe... I can convince my body to do normal girly things without a lot of intervention.

Our next scheduled appointment is Wednesday - 09.09.09 :-)

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The good news? I put the deposit down on our Destin, FL Condo yesterday! It's OFFICIAL! We're goin! Woo Hoo!!

The First Visit

Well,


I've got the baby fever now, and I have it bad. I'm slowly but surely coming out of the "funk", and the baby fever is almost full on. :-)


I decided that with the two crappy ObGYN visits I've had already this year, I would just take the advice a friend gave me several years ago, and just skip straight to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I kept seeing signs telling me to go there. Well, so maybe it was the actual sign on the side of the building that I pass going to and from work every single day, but it's still a sign, right?

I visited their website, and after digging through, wondering if I should do it or not, I used the little "contact us" link, and sent them an email. 2 hours later, I received a phone call. Not only did I get a phone call from the office, but the Doctor himself. Yes. That's right. THE ACTUAL DOCTOR CALLED ME. Huge plus in my book. When I called back, i got the lady he had mentioned in my voicemail, and it was like she knew me already. He had given her the information from my email, and she was expecting my phone call.

We set up the appointment. August 12. (ironic, seeing as how this would have been my 9th wedding anniversary with my first husband..) We entered the office, and immediately, i was relaxed. They were friendly, and they didn't treat me like I got treated at this OB visit.

I turned in my what seemed like 500 forms I had to fill out before coming in, and then they took mine and John's picture together to put in the records. They said "Y'all are in this together, so we treat you as one." again. i like this.

We got called back to this little open area that had sperm all over the floor, and I wondered to myself if the sperm were leading to the little dark rooms in the back for a reason. :-) I would later find out they were. hehe That's a part of the office I don't care to go into. Don't wanna know what all's back there!

Then the Doctor came out, and called us in his office. He had already read through my paperwork, so he began just asking me questions. He was very thorough. He even asked me if some of my family members were bald. He knew he was asking me strange questions, but he said this was to try and get as much of a hormone background as he could. He then gave us a power point presentation with some statistics, and other interesting information. Did you know that one in three infertile couples is due to the male? That seemed like a pretty high number to me. I had no idea! I also didn't know that in 100 pregnancies, only 30 will actually make it to live healthy birth. The percentage of people who are pregnant and miscarry without even knowing it is huge! Anyways - I asked him about PCOS, and he really didn't seem to be phased by it at all. He told me there was no cure for it, and (another statistic here) 90% .. 90% of women have PCOS. Most are just asymptomatic. I wish I was one of those!

After the visit, we went into another room where I had my vajayjay probed by the ultrasound mechanism. I hardly noticed though, because I was intrigued by the fact that they actually thought of putting a monitor on the ceiling so that when you're lying on your back with your legs spread open for the whole world to see, you can see what the doctor's looking at. Doesn't mean I could tell what I was looking at. Just a bunch of gray matter, and every-once-in-a-while, I could see one little round thing, and apparently one was a cyst, and one was an ovary. :-/

That was my exam. The doctor is working with me to make this as affordable as possible, since they don't take my primary insurance and I'm self pay. $$$$$ (they accept my secondary, but they won't file on it. I'll be switching over in January. Thank goodness. :-) ) - this means I'll be going to my regular Doctor to get my blood work drawn, and then just have the results sent over. John, however, got to have his blood drawn, because UH is his primary. Apparently, for some infertility treatments, it's required by law for both partners to be tested for HIV, Hepatitis, and other diseases.

So... Here's the plan. Summarized.

I started taking Provera, since I haven't had a period since April.
On CD1, I call the doctor, and we set up a schedule for the following:
- Days 5-9 take Clomid (bring on the hot flashes, baby!)
- somewhere in Days 9-11, have another ultrasound to see the status of my system.
- Around days 11-13, start an antibiotic, and have an x-ray procedure done to make sure my tubes aren't blocked.

Next week, John gets to bring a cup full of his "goodies" to the office for his Sperm Analysis. For the record - we chose to do this at home, rather than follow the sperm on the floor to one of the little back rooms. :-) We just have to get it to the office fairly quickly. It is precious cargo, you know! Thank goodness we live about 3 miles from the office!

Once all that's done, then we sit down, and talk about all the results, and what the next plan of action is.

I'm excited, and nervous all at the same time. I feel like we've officially started. I've read so many blogs with these same type stories on them, and now I are one of them blogs!

John and I have already had long discussions about how far into this we want to go, and already talked about the possibility of adoption if it comes to that. For now, we are going to take this one step at a time, and see what God's will for us is.

I ask that if you made it this far, reading this long blog, that you take a moment and pray for John and I as we prepare to take some pretty big steps to help make our family grow. We both want this really bad, and already many tears have been shed from the disappointments we've already had.

I will keep the blog updated as much as I can with updates.

*DING*... You are now off track…

Just a forewarning: This is not a fun, happy post. This is a post about what I’m feeling right now, and have been feeling for a while… If you are bored to tears, or this post brings up any other emotions, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. For others, it may just be affirmation that someone else out there is going through the same struggles. Oh, and it’s long.

Movin’ on now.

I laid down in bed the other night, and John was in the shower. It was pitch black, and quiet, except for the sound of the fan in the bedroom, and the running water in the bathroom. I had just barely dozed when I hear *DING* “You are now off track.” Huh? My first reaction was to jump outta bed with the .45 and shoot whoever just entered my apartment run and hide in the closet.

It was one of those times when a thousand things can run through your head in a time that feels like forever. But, it didn’t take me but a minute to realize that the silly little female animated voice was John’s phone that must be possessed. It was sitting on the dining table, and just kicked itself into GPS mode. I’m not sure where it thought I was going, but something has been ringing in my head since that night.

Maybe it wasn’t the silly phone being weird, yelling out that I’m not headed in the right direction. Maybe it was a subtle (ok, maybe not so subtle) message from God telling me I’m not headed in the right direction in my life. Funny thing is that I feel I’ve been running in circles for a while now, and can’t seem to get to where I want to be. I have so many good intentions, but no motivation.

I suppose you can say I’ve been in a bit of a pity party for myself for a little while now. I’ve had some health issues that have been buggin’ the fire out of me. Something is going on that makes me absolutely so tired that I can barely hold my eyes open a lot of the time. John and I were in a raid on WoW the other night, and I actually fell asleep in the middle. For those of you WoW players, you know that raids are intense, and there’s so much going on, you don’t have much time to think about anything else. Yeah. Out. Right in the middle of it.

My attitude has been down right sucky lately – my poor husband catching a lot of it. I thank God I have such a patient man. I know I’m not the easiest person to live with sometimes. I don’t want to do anything around the house, and we’ve eaten out so much, because I don’t have the energy to cook. To cook, you have to have food. To have food, you must go to the grocery store. To go to the grocery store, you have to have motivation. To have motivation, you have to have energy. Oh. That’s the problem.

Of course the lack of energy leads to laziness, which leads to…you guessed it! Weight gain. Weight gain = severe self esteem issues. I’m supposed to be on synthroid, but I’m too lazy to take it. I know that if I were to take it – I would probably feel somewhat better. I’ve been injecting myself with triple the dose of B12 just to be able to function throughout the day. Sometimes, that works a little. (yes, it’s ok. It’s a water soluble vitamin. Not gonna hurt me.)

I’ve been to the doctor, but nothing’s coming up right now. I do know that I’ve had some sort of a bladder/kidney infection since about November of last year – and the doctors can’t seem to get rid of that either. Which leads me to another issue. I don’t like to leave the house, since every trip to the bathroom is an emergency. I have to plan everything around places that have restrooms. I’ve had one – yes ONE monthly cycle since January. And that one was medically induced. I want a baby. Yes, I know I’ve only been married 9 months – but remember – I was married for 7 years before that with the same issues.

I’m just frustrated with a lot lately – I’m frustrated that the nights I actually do something, and I’m not home, John gets off of work on time. Then, the nights that I’m home waiting for him to get there, he gets off at 9:30. I wish he had a job that he could be home on the weekends. If my family was closer, it may not seem so bad, but it’s an act of congress to get a day off from Time Warner on a weekend if we want to do anything. And we all know what Congress is like now.

My biggest issue right now though is my self esteem. It’s so in the dumps right now. I know I’m not fat, but I’m well over the weight I need to be . I can’t wear half the clothes in my closet, and I don’t have the money to buy anything else (a large chunk of my paycheck goes to my ex each month). The ones I have – I wear the tale off of. They are faded, have holes in them, or are just about to fall apart in general. Shopping depresses me because I’m a hard body to fit. My chest is quite a bit larger than most people my size, so in order to fit that, the clothes swallow me everywhere else. If they fit decent through the waist, then I can’t zip it all the way up. I found the perfect dress for my wedding day, but couldn’t zip it past my chest. Grrr.. My face is broken out like a 14 year old kid. Nothing in this world hides what is going on there. I’ve tried all sorts of different products – but I think the hormones are completely overriding any product I buy. I look at pictures of me recently, and I barely recognize the girl I see. My eyes almost shut, and I seem to get all stiff when a camera is in front of me. I think that's the self esteeem part coming out.

Bleh.

Yeah, there’s a lot more, but I suppose I’ll stop. If you’ve made it this far, wow. Thanks for stickin by me.

I'll get better. I'm just in a lull right now, and will get out eventually. Prayers are appreciated. :-)

Friday Flashback

Do you know what it's time for?

Didt Didt Didtldidt Didt Didt Didldidt didt didt didldidt didt deeeet!!!

(cue Cotton Eyed Joe)

HIK NOOZ!!!

Well, i'm sure only those that went to SLC, and know what Hik Nooz was are the only ones who can say "Didt Didt Didledidt"... hehe Can you believe how crazy we went when brothers "Brian" and "K-Brian" hit the show with Cuz Hurl? wow...

We all know that FBC Buna was famous on Hik Nooz... We made it on the show every year. Or I did, at least.

Hmmm... I got my name monkey girl, because they got told about me hanging from streamers in Taco Bell making monkey noises.... They made me do my monkey sounds in front of the whole camp, and then they pulled out their "guns" and pointed them at me... HA!

The next year - I made it because of this story:

I was having a conversation with someone about my new hair dryer I was so proud of..(yeah, i know..) I was talking about how powerful it was when I turned it on and POP!!! Fire came out of the plug, and it knocked the lights out in the whole dorm!! oops.

The next day, on Hik Nooz, Brian and K-Brian came out with hairdryers, dancing around to the music from "Mission Impossible." And then they told me story... thankfully, once people found out who was responsible for knockin the lights out, they didn't do the same to me. :-)

Oh, how I miss Student Life Camp! Those were the days!!

Here's me today, sporting myHik Nooz shirt...(Why did I buy such a huge shirt? It swallows me now, and I'm 50lbs heavier than I was then!)

Friday Flashback

Well, I'm sure you all notice one common denominator in each of these pictures. Yep - one of my dearest friends, Mitch Keeler!

Mitch and I go way back - farther than anyone in my entire life. We have been singing together for years, have some umm..Children's Church memories, mistletoe memories, GA party memories, we went to 8th grade prom together, Many plays - Buna Children's Theater, learning the "real words" to the Cotton Eyed Joe, The night I proposed to him in a Wendy's in Baytown, where he turned me down, and some of our favorite memories together are from our Drum Major times... I still believe we were two of the best drum majors that went through! If you look at any picture of us in action on the field, we are in the same exact position... To this day, we sing together when we can...

Here we are leading worship this past Christmas:


The reason my post is about Mitch, is because he is taking the plunge this weekend, and I'm so happy! He met a beautiful girl by the name of Jamie while he was in Austin, and it was all up from there! I'm honored to be singing "But Beautiful" for the Bride and Groom's first dance.

Mitch,

We've been through a lot together, and I'm so thrilled that God has sent you that someone special. I pray that you have a very happy marriage with kids that can sing and act (hehe). :-) At my [first] wedding, you gave Scott some advice, which thankfully, he never followed - but my advice for Jamie -

If Mitch makes you mad - Stand under a bundle of mistletoe, call his name, and when he comes to kiss you - RUN!! :-) (or throw a party at his house that he's not allowed to attend, just to watch him kick his legs and scream.)

- and that's all for pouring sprite on my head because i wouldn't sit by you.

Love ya Mitch!!

CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF YOU!

Happy Birthday Troy

You are greatly missed, but I know you're celebrating in Heaven! Tell Jeremy to make you a big cake! :-) Maybe his baking skills are better in Heaven than they were here!