And just like that....

It's over.

There will be no baby in October.

5 Weeks

Last Monday morning marked day 13 after my first IUI. I had prepared the night before and laid out an HPT, and told John that I wasn't sure if I was going to take it the next morning or not. I was a nervous wreck. I had taken so many only to be disappointed. I could buy stock in the HPT companies I've used so many in the past 9 years.

So - Monday morning, I wake up - take the test. As I'm sitting there, I'm anxiously watching the little lines all show up as they're supposed to. And then I see it. But was it really there? I had slept in my contacts, so my eyes were pretty fuzzy, and I really wasn't awake yet. So I sat it down, and waited a few more minutes and looked again. It was barely there, but it was there. I didn't know what to do. I just started shaking, and immediately went to wake up John. It was such a surreal moment. I honestly don't remember exactly what I told him, but I think I said something about "There are two lines!"

I knew that I wasn't far along at all, and figured that's why it was so faint. I called my mom at 6:30 that morning, and woke her up, and told my dad right after. I told a few people at work, but asked them to keep it quiet, because I wanted to wait until I got the results from my bloodwork, which was Thursday.

I got home Monday evening, and immediately picked up the test. I freaked, because the line seemed to totally disappear! (Now, I know you're not supposed to read them after 10 minutes, but i couldn't control my mind.) I was so freaked out that John and I went that night and bought more. I took another one that evening, and i had prepared myself that since it was so late in the day, and so early in the pregnancy, there would probably be nothing there. I was wrong. There it was again. Faint, but there. I took another one Tuesday morning, and another one Wednesday morning. All very faint positives. Stupid me, though. I'm such a googler. I'm looking up all kinds of stuff about faint positives, and disappearing positives, and evaporation lines, and anything else I could conjure up in my tee-niney little brain.

By Wednesday night, I was in tears, because I had convinced myself those were all evaporation lines, and I wasn't in fact pregnant. I started regretting telling anyone, and wondering to myself - "Why didn't I just wait?" /sigh

I barely slept Wednesday night, knowing i had bloodwork at 7:30 the next morning. I had called them Wednesday and asked how long it would take to get the results back, because by this time, I was ready to check myself into a nut house, and ask them to knock my lights out.

So we got up, gave the Doctor's office some of my blood, went home, and waited. and waited. and waited. I paced, tried to sleep, paced, played wow, watched TV, tried to sleep, paced... you get the picture.

Thank goodness I set up my iPhone to sync with my work email, and now when we get voicemails on our phones, we get an email as well. I was sitting there, and heard an email come in on my phone, and I saw RMA of Texas. When I listened to the message - I just heard "Congratulations" and didn't hear the rest of the message. I had no clue what else she said. Once I went back and listened again, I was glad I did - because i needed to schedule another appointment! hehe...

So here I am. My second round of bloodwork was yesterday, and she said the HcG hormone was rising beautifully.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I still can't believe it. I had no idea I would be this way. I thought - meh - pregnancy, I'll be excited. I find myself moving around carefully (cause at first I didn't want to "shake" anything loose. HA!), and i worry about every little pain, or strange feeling I have. I still had almost convinced myself even the bloodwork was wrong. After yesterday's results, though, I'm just like - "Hey! Dummy! Sit back, relax and enjoy the life God is growing inside of you!" So that's what I'm going to do. I'm so very thankful that God is giving us this opportunity to have a child of our own. To love, to care for, to be needed...

I'm five weeks today, So - Here's what my baby will be doing this week:

(Taken from babycenter.com)
Deep in your uterus your embryo is growing at a furious pace. At this point, he's about the size of a sesame seed, and he looks more like a tiny tadpole than a human. He's now made up of three layers — the ectoderm, the mesoderm, and the endoderm — which will later form all of his organs and tissues.

The neural tube — from which your baby's brain, spinal cord, nerves, and backbone will sprout — is starting to develop in the top layer, called the ectoderm. This layer will also give rise to his skin, hair, nails, mammary and sweat glands, and tooth enamel.

His heart and circulatory system begin to form in the middle layer, or mesoderm. (This week, in fact, his tiny heart begins to divide into chambers and beat and pump blood.) The mesoderm will also form your baby's muscles, cartilage, bone, and subcutaneous (under skin) tissue.

The third layer, or endoderm, will house his lungs, intestines, and rudimentary urinary system, as well as his thyroid, liver, and pancreas. In the meantime, the primitive placenta and umbilical cord, which deliver nourishment and oxygen to your baby, are already on the job.

Seriously? My baby's heart will begin to beat this week! Wow. Amazing. This is going to be a great journey!

Symptoms so far: Mild mild nausea every once in a while, extreme fatigue (i slept in my car before coming into to work), and crazy emotions - cry like a baby. Other than that, I think i feel pretty decent. Oh... and the girls are soooo sore, that it hurts to lay in bed, and wakes me up all night long. bleh.

Hmmm... ok?

First of all, if you're expecting a little one in the near future, or you have recetly had one - please please please do not be offended. I just have to get this off my chest.

This week alone, i have learned of about 5 people who are pregnant (on top of those I already knew about). /sigh ok. Seriously? I mean, really?

Lord, what are you trying to do to me? Especially in my 2WW? I seriously would like to crawl under a rock until next Thursday, or whatever day I finally give in and POAS. It's still way to early, being only 9DPIUI, but I'm like. hmmm... can I wait until Monday? who knows?

I'm so silly sometimes, tho - sitting still and just trying to see if I feel anything. anything. A little sharp pain somewhere, a tiny bit of nausea, dizziness, fatigue, anything. I even sit there, and think about different foods, and see what I feel. Do I feel repulsed by it? Do I all of a sudden want it, and will not stop until I get it? nope. Of course - I can make myself feel all of those things if I want to.

Like - I'll get a quick 5 second wave of nausea, but it passes. I wanna fall asleep on my desk, but yet, I can't sleep. The other night, I felt this crazy little numbness come and go on the left side of my belly, and I thought to myself - hmm... implantation that might have touched a nerve?

I'm seriously torturing myself. I so want this to have worked. I'm actually not sure if I can handle this crazy emotional roller coaster again if it doesn't work. I do not like the demon that comes out in me when I get angry. and I mean angry. Things breaking and flying across the apartment angry. Uncontrollable anger with shaking and wanting to pass out anger. that's only come out of couple of times, but that's more than plenty.

Last night - I went from raging to crying uncontrollably. Everything made me cry. Then John made me laugh and I was actually laughing and sobbing at the same time. geez...

All I can do at this point is pray. If this IUI didn't work - i either need different meds, or to not do this at all. While I want a baby more than anything in this world right now - I'm not willing to let John stay in the line of fire constantly. I love him with everything that I am - he's the most amazing man, and I'm not gonna lose him.

ok -done ranting now. now back to your regularly scheduled programs.

2WW - Half way there!

I'm halfway through my two week wait now. /sigh. Can I just go to sleep, and wake up next Thursday? Here's an update since my IUI last Tuesday. (this is an email that I sent to several friends on Facebook, but I thought it would work here, too.)

It was not a great week. Last Sunday evening, I took the HcG "trigger" shot, and Monday morning, I was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable. I just felt really "full." Tuesday morning, John and I went in for the IUI, and it wasn't my normal doctor that did it. It was another lady in the office, and she really doesn't say much. She was just like "well, everything looks good! Lay here until this timer goes off, and then you can leave." I have no idea what size the follicles were, how many had developed, or anything. Silly me kept thinking she would take the measurements, but by the time I thought to ask, she was already out. So, anyways... By Tuesday afternoon, i was VERY uncomfortable - Like I had been pumped full of air. I did go to work, but i couldn't sit in my chair very long, so I ended up just going back home to the couch. Wednesday was ok, and ThursDAY was meh.. Thursday night, tho. Oh. my. gosh. It was awful. I was in tears from the pain, and i don't generally cry from pain. I have a pretty high pain tolerance. THe pressure was almost more than I could handle, and well, it was just painful. I was about to have John take me to the ER, but i decided to call the Doctor's office first. I left a message, and within 5 minutes. yes, FIVE minutes, my doctor called me back. He's so funny. He was apologizing to me for calling from a restaurant that decided to start playing disco music right as he called. haha... anyways - as soon as I told him what I was feeling - he knew what it was. He told me to take a couple of Extra Strength Tylenol, and come in Friday morning. It took a little while, but the meds kickd in, and i got some relief.

Long story short - once he did the ultrasound, he was right - I had Moderate Ovarian Hyperstimulation Sydrome (OHSS). My body had way overreacted to the meds, so I really was "full." :-) I did have a cyst rupture as well, so there was quite a bit of fluid build up. This one was mild compared to the ruptured cysts I had in 2003 in Houston, that landed me in the hospital for 2 days. He told me to just take it easy - not to make any brisk movements, just so that another didn't rupture as well. He also told me to stay home - not to sing this weekend as I was scheduled to do.

The good news is - he said that this could be a positive thing. He said a lot of times this develops and goes to the moderate stage (of the three stages, mild, moderate, severe) if there is a pregnancy. :-)

I couldn't help but smile, but it's way too soon for me to get my hopes up yet. FOr the most part, the pain has subsided. I still get small waves of pretty crazy pain, but i can walk normal now, where as last week, i was crouched over when i walked.

Thank you for your prayers, and please continue. One more week, and while i feel like this week is going to last forever - I look back, and can't believe the IUI was a week ago tomorrow! wow.

I'm incredibly sleepy this morning after a good night's sleep, and have a small headache. hmmm...Of course - I'm so mental - i could make myself have every symptom there is if I wanted to. bleh. :-)

I will continue to keep you updated!

It's HOT!

So, in honor of our A/C being out here at the office, I would like to share one of my favorite Shel Silverstien poems.

We have hit a smeltering 82 degrees in the office (I know, that's not THAT hot, but inside a stuffy building with 50 people.... it's HOT!!!!) Thankfully, it seems to be only one unit out.

Now, without further adieu...


It’s Hot!
By Shel Silverstein

It’s hot!
I can’t get cool,
I’ve drunk a quart of lemonade,
I think I’ll take my shoes off
And sit around in the shade.

It’s hot!
My back is sticky,
The sweat rolls down my chin.
I think I’ll take my clothes off
And sit around in my skin.

It’s hot!
I’ve tried with ‘lectric fans,
And pools and ice cream cones.
I think I’ll take my skin off
And sit around in my bones.

It’s still hot!

Happy Chillin!

Happy New Year, some updates, and new car!

Happy New Year!

So, for my first post of 2010, I'd like to start out by saying that as far as my goals for last year... well, EPIC FAIL. I'm ok with that, tho, because 2009 was one hell of a year. (sorry for the use of the word hell.)

I can be totally ok with the fact that I didn't accomplish the goals I set for myself, because I, in fact, accomplished a lot of things this year. The biggest? My $61k debt - paid off. I am free from my debt! Well, until my impulse buy took place on December 30. (more about that to come.)

I also accomplished some pretty major projects at my office this year, including helping facilitate three major moves of our office staff into separate locations. I learned so many new things, but I will say this - If the word "Move" comes up in regards to the offices, I'm runnin! :-) hehe... nah - I really enjoyed almost every minute of it.


Other major things for 2009: My grandmother learned she had breast cancer, and had a mastectomy to remove it, my mom was admitted into ICU on her death bed due to Aspirin Toxicity, and we certainly will never forget the loss of someone who fought so hard against that nasty "C" word we hate so much. Troy will always be missed and loved, but knowing he is cancer free - Well, you can't help but celebrate that! There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him and Jeremy and PawPaw. I just wish we were all there with them!

John and I took a vacation to Destin, FL, and this was the first actual vacation I had been on since I still lived at home with mom and dad. 1992, i believe it was. We had so much fun. The sights were beautiful, and since we were there in the off season, there were no crowds, and our condo, which was absolutely GORGEOUS, was so cheap!!! I would love to go back next year, but due to our impulse buy (mentioned above, and to be described below) might have just cancelled that trip for us! (Unless, some others wanted to go and split the costs!) :-) Any takers?

So, with that being said - I'm not going to set any goals this year for myself. I plan to take this year one day at a time, because you never know what could happen, and what could change. Here's to 2010!

-

I got to go to Buna this year for Christmas - and other than the above mentioned happenings, this is the first time I got to visit since LAST year. We got to spend quite a bit of time there, so that was good. My mom is doing WAAAAAY better than I've seen her in years, and that made the visit so much more enjoyable. I've always had a hard time leaving her when she wasn't doing so well, because I was worried about her. I thought it would be easier if she was doing better, because I wouldn't worry so much. I learned pretty quickly this wasn't the case at all. It was MUCH harder to leave her - because she's the mom I've wanted back for a long time. The mom that i could actually get out and do things with. The mom i could go [window] shopping with, and take out to eat. The mom I could enjoy - and yet - I'm hours away, and don't get to enjoy those times with her. We both cried extremely hard when John and I packed that little red rocket up and headed back west. I also got to spend some good time with my dad and grandfather, not to mention a lot of my family that I haven't seen in forever! /sigh What a wonderful holiday it was. The best I've had in a long time.


On the way home from Buna, John and I got to talking about the future. We were talking about how there could be a baby this year, and as we began looking around the car, we realized that if there's a baby - there's NO ROOM!!! That car was packed so full, that John had to empty our food bag, and slide food into any little nook and cranny he could find. My Honda is bigger than his car, but it had sooooo many miles on it, and was beginning to have little problems here and there, so we didn't like to travel in it. I basically used it to go back and forth to work. It was still a great car, don't get me wrong - and I loved it, but we didn't totally trust it. We kinda tossed around some SUVs we liked, and then that was the end of the conversation.

Tuesday morning (Dec. 29), I emailed my mother in law, who works at Tom Benson Chevrolet here in town, just to check in with her, and at the end, I just asked if she could get me a price on a couple of SUVs there at the dealership. Told her we weren't doing anything right now, just kinda starting to plan for the future.



Wednesday, we had off, and I asked John if he would like to go pick his mom up, and take her to lunch, since we didn't get to spend Christmas with them, and she's been pretty stressed lately. Soooo.... We went and picked her up, and took her to lunch. When we got back to the dealership, she told us she had spoken with someone who could give us more info on the cars we were looking at. So we walk over to the used car lot, because there was an Equinox there, and we got a little interested in a couple of other SUVs sitting on the lot as well. One, however, caught our eye. a 2006 Nissan Murano. It was beautiful. and not a color that you see on the road every day. I've seen a ton of white ones, and those wine colored ones, but not this gray. When I peeked in through the window, I just knew we couldn'y afford this car, but we asked for the keys anyways. When he came back out, he told us the price. We were shocked! This car had some minor body blemishes, but nothing that couldn't be fixed with a high speed and some polish, and it only had 15k miles on it! On top of the already low price, we got the employee price as well, because of John's mom. sweet! We took it for a test drive, and fell in love with it.

I hesitated, though, because of the whole financing thing. We knew what we could afford, and really hated the thought of having two car notes. We knew that if we could get something for about the same as what we're paying for the SRT4, we could do it. We told him we had a Honda for trade in but it was at home, and needed a little cleaning (We left it at home on purpose. So that we couldn't leave the lot with something.) HA! that didn't work! So, we drove home, cleaned out the Honda, took it to the car wash, and went back to the lot. As we were cleaning, I was praying. "Lord, if it's your will for us to have this car, and you know that we can handle the payments of two cars, then I pray you work this out. If it's not in your plans for us to have this car, then I pray the financing doesn't work out. But Lord, if it doesn't, please help me to be ok with that. Please help me to not be too disappointed, because at least the Honda still runs, and I'm thankful for that."


Fast forward FIVE HOURS. Yes, FIVE HOURS. I was nauseated i was so nervous. I really thought we'd be leaving with that Honda, which was ok. We had told each other that that would be ok with us. We didn't need to get rid of the Honda, per se. Robert, our salesman, walked out of the finance office, and gave us the thumbs up, and proceeded to write our name on the "Today's Sales" board. WOOT!!! I can't believe we got it!! We waited about another hour before everything was finally done, and we signed a ton of paperwork.

Now, for the neatest part of this story?


I had to drive the Honda across and park it at the used car building. As I was getting out, there was a lady and her daughter standing there. She was like "Is this your car?" I said "Yes Ma'am." She said "We saw it, and they told us it was being traded in, and would be for sale. We want that car!"


Do HUH?? Are you serious???


These people had been car shopping ALL DAY LONG (it's about 7pm by now), and everything they found within their price range had a ton of miles on it, but was in crappy shape. My car had 120k on it, but was still in good shape. I almost wanted to cry! I told her what a great car it had been - that I was the only owner - and had put every mile on it myself. I thought she was gonna cry. I seriously saw God's hand in that whole situation. This girl is a senior in high school, and is going into the military next year, and needed something while she was still here. She was about in tears - she even asked me if I had named it! She thought it was pretty funny when I told her it was Hellina. Get it? Hellina Honda? :-) ok - cheesy I know, but they thought it was funny.


I handed the keys over to the dealership, hugged the girl's neck, and John and I left in our new car. The next day, when we brought the Honda title back, They were there, getting their financing worked out for it. I saw my little car there, and felt at peace, because I knew the right thing had been done. It may cost John and I little extra in the long run, but we helped a family out, and that makes me feel good. That car took me through a lot of stuff. Jeremy drove it when it was just a couple of weeks old to Buna for he and I to surprise mom for her birthday. Just a couple of months later, it would be driving me to his apartment after I learned he had passed away. That car took us on numerous trips to see family - it carried my dogs in it, and it protected Scott and I when we hydroplaned off of Interstate 45, almost right underneath an 18 wheeler. It nearly got traded in back when we lived in Houston, and couldn't afford to pay the note. We couldn't get financed. Then I listed it on Auto Trader, and ended up getting to keep it, because Scott got a job in San Antonio. It carried my most precious belongings to San Antonio on August 13, 2005. It was the first car I ever had that was paid off. That car helped me move my stuff out, when Scott and I split up.


Time for me to move on now, and let someone else make new memories with my Hellina! She was good to me for 7 1/2 years, but I have someone new to make memories with now. I don't have a name for her yet, but I will come up with one.



So - there ya have it. A totally unexpected New Year's present!

Here are some pictures. Since these were taken, we've cleaned the car totally and conditioned the seats and complete interior, so it looks even better!

When You Wish Upon a Star

Hello! It's me! :-)

I don't have much time to write this morning, but this is something short and sweet that I just felt I had to share.

November 16, 2002 - 5:30 a.m.

The phone rang. Since i was asleep, i didn't make it to the phone, but when i checked the caller ID, and it was my dad, my heart sank. I just knew that my grandfather or someone close had passed away. There was no way I could prepare myself for the words that would come out of his mouth when I called him back.

"Melissa. Jeremy died." I literally told him to hang up, and call me back later when I was awake. It couldn't be true. Jeremy? OUR Jeremy? This isn't possible. I got to his apartment as fast as I could. That was the longest 4 mile drive of my life. I swear it took 6 hours. Didn't it?

The rest of the story is really too painful to talk about - but every year, at this time, I remember him, and am overcome with sadness. I suppose it'll never get easier.

The day before he passed away, he called and left a message on my answering machine. It was the last time I would hear his voice. I have it saved - and I can't remember what all it said, except for him being funny, and then at the end, he said "I love you." I can't tell you how grateful I am that those were his last words to me.

---
November 16, 2009, 6:30 am

I was on my way to work, having a long talk with God. I began to pray for mom and dad as they remember Jeremy today too. I kid you not - at the very moment I began to pray for them, and I mentioned Jeremy's name - I saw a falling star. The tears began to flow, and I was just speechless.

When I first began praying - i asked the Lord to forgive me for Him not being the focus in my life, as He should be. When I saw the falling star, it was just like the Lord telling me a whole bunch of things...

"I forgive you."

"Everything will be ok."

"Jeremy is safe in my arms."

I have a couple of very crazy weeks ahead of me, and after my long talk this morning, I feel like I can handle it. I feel like everything's going to be ok.

Thank you Lord for showing me you're there for me.